#Also it should have been up hours ago but my internet wasn't working.

[joemerl]

Writer's Month 2024, Day 13: "Dark"

Poetry, for Tisha B'Av

The fire brightly burning extinguished holy light, In the opening hours of the millennial night. The first shone like the sun, the second like the moon; Countless stars have fallen, and others sent to doom. They go now into exile, to find the sacred sparks, With scrolls of black and white flame to fight against the dark. They cannot help but wonder, as they suffer and they pine, Do the blind ones even notice that the light no longer shines?

[devsgames]

"Is Tumblr Blaze Worth It For Promoting My Indie Game?" - a Postmortem

Lately I've been thinking about marketing and promotion of my games and wanting to explore new avenues. Tumblr Blaze was one of those things I wanted to dip my toes into a bit to understand how it works and if it has potential for advertising my sort of stuff. Like as not, there's no point in making games if nobody actually plays them after all!

Conversely I have also heard bad things about Tumblr Blaze; that it's not very targeted, the reach is fairly limited, and people on this site generally hate anything that is Blazed to them.

I wanted to test all these waters a bit to see if it's something worth investing in, and share what I found for my own benefit and the benefit of others. Finding various info on topics like this for indie dev can be a pain, so why not share my findings?

The Plan and Goal

While Centauri Dark is still in development and is the thing I actually want to advertise more of right now, Bombing!! 2 is already out and is much more marketable with some cool art made by community members. I think as a first impression it tends to show well, so I decided to make my test post with that to get exposure to it and see how it goes.

My goal was mostly to see what a Blaze post does for advertising a launched indie game and how much "eyes on" it actually gets in terms of actual engagement.

Posting

From the outset I knew I wanted to make a post that 1) wasn't annoying to people just looking at the webbed site 2) featured a call to action of some kind I could measure 3) wouldn't break the bank.

Here's what I came up with:

The intention was to flash some cool looking art to grab their attention, explain what they're looking at, and then link the game a couple of times while mentioning "Buy or Wishlist" for good measure as a call to action.

Since Bombing!! 2 is such an art-forward game, I found the coolest art pieces made by community members that felt the most "Tumblr" to match the audience, and would also show off the range of art you could make in the game. I also wanted to make it personal, like me writing a message to whoever would read it instead of something that sounded like a standard ad. Generally I think it was a fairly reasonable little post that catches some interest and doesn't overstay too much of a welcome. What I think also helps is it's explicitly a "hey this might interest you" sort of framing (as opposed to a more "why am I even seeing this" sort of post you tend to get from Blaze sometimes).

I also think it's worth emphasizing that writing a posted explicitly intending to be Blazed was a much stronger approach than just Blazing some random post I had made for my own followers months ago, because I could align it to my promotional goals. It also assumed that random people on the Internet would be the ones seeing my post, and not the followers and friends who already know me and my work.

Blazing

As I looked into Blaze early on there was actually a few key things I wasn't fully aware of about the system.

It guarantees a minimum amount of views

It guarantees it will be Blazed for a minimum of 24 hours no matter how many views

You pay a single base rate for the whole campaign (great compared to some ads which tend to price based on views/engagement).

You can define an audience explicitly (some info that was floating around lead me to believe this wasn't the case).

Campaigns come in a few amounts:

I paid for the 2nd tier; $17 USD for a campaign, which amounts to $25 CDN. I wanted to go a little more into it than the lowest tier offered, since I figured the lowest wouldn't give me as much data as I would've liked and I wanted to know what to reasonably expect should I decide to do it again in the future.

Since Bombing!! 2 sells for ~$20USD I also figure if the Blaze campaign prompts at least two people to buy the game then the Blaze would have paid for itself.

Blaze lets you use tags to define which audiences you want to reach. Unfortunately it doesn't let you view that data after you've applied it, but the tags I chose were generally anyone who spoke English and has an interest in Digital Artist or Video Game circles.

The campaign ran for 24 Hours, starting yesterday and ending today.

The Results

I definitely noticed a sharp uptick in engagement during the campaign! It hit the target audience of ~7k around one hour into the campaign, after which point I noticed engagement take a sharp decline.

Here's the Blaze campaign analytics provided by Tumblr (which was also very helpful to have):

So it seems ~12.5k views from Blaze, ~370 likes, ~80 reblogs, 5 shares elsewhere. The post itself has ~520 notes, so I assume there's some reblogging and liking happening from beyond the Blaze campaign that isn't pictured here. The good thing is that despite having reached its 7k target after only 1 hour, it continued to circulate and be Blazed until 24 hours later. Eventually the post made it to ~12k views overall, which was nearly double the amount promised by the campaign - I attribute this mostly to a strong post/target audience/subject matter and I'm sure it's not standard.

Here's the general velocity of engagement around when the post was Blazed:

It jumped much more than I honestly expected, but you can tell Blaze seemed to put it in front of people's faces more than my regular posts do. You can see it drops off sharply as I hit the quoted amount as well, back down to the normal amount of engagement I get on Tumblr.

But this stuff isn't really what I was looking for; I was looking for sales and keeping an eye on 'conversions' - or how many users followed my call to action because of the post. Likes and stuff are fine and cool, but how many people bought or wishlisted the game on Steam as a result of seeing the post on Tumblr?

Tumblr and Blaze obviously have no way of telling me this, so I'm looking to Steam to show me changes there.

Here's what Steam shows me happened to the Bombing!! 2 views yesterday:

That's not nothing! This shows the last month's worth of traffic to the Bombing!! 2 page, and that number was at least double yesterday as it was regularly. It's very cool to know a number of people did actually click through to the game page in order to view the game from the Blaze post.

But the real REAL question is how many bought or wishlisted the game because of this post?

I'll start with Sales, on a graph of 1 month of data:

Flat line :( Which is fine though, as the game wasn't on Sale and was just reaching people for the first time. I didn't honestly expect any immediate sales from this, and was more focused on other engagement anyways. Honestly I would be surprised if someone saw the game on a Blaze post and bought it immediately. I mean it's good but it's probably not THAT good!

Now to Wishlists, which can be a good indicator of who might likely buy your game in the future. Basically if someone has added a game to their wishlist, there's reason to believe they might buy it in the future, which is good for your game.

Here's the Wishlists for Bombing!! 2 from the last month:

That's 23 Wishlists in one day! That's roughly ~18 Wishlists more than an average day!

It's hard to know if some of these are because of the post or just a statistical fluke. However, when compared to previous trends on the game page that's quite a noticeable difference. It means even if no one bought it now, they were interested enough to add it to their shortlist. Looking at it another way, if two people who Wishlisted decided to buy the game in the future the campaign will have paid for itself.

Conclusions

I think like any advertising if you go into it with a plan in mind and try to build something around a specific action, Blaze seems pretty worth it to me especially if I just want to get eyes on something. On top of the obvious data telling me people were interested in the game, there was a few folks who just plain complemented the game or acknowledged it 'was the first Blaze post they were actually interested in', which felt worth it in it's own qualitative sort of way. It's also worth noting my game sells for $20USD, so the margins are large enough that making it back isn't too challenging.

I think having an idea of the message I wanted to send really helped, and I'm sure I'd happily do this again with a larger audience and another plan (and probably will do it for when Centauri Dark releases).

[starfleetwitch]

Berenice Griselda Wolfe tried to kill me and when that didn't work, she sabotaged my home set up by being a flirty MF with a TARDIS.

(Not a sentence I thought I'd EVER write completely sober or seriously but here we are)

This is a bit of a long story and now I've written it and got it out of my system I fully realise just how much I resemble a dog barking at a corner for no reason.

There is a TLDR at the end

Story time:

So I got this Tardis themed external USB hub for Christmas a few years ago.

It's kinda cool, lights up when you plug in a USB and what not. Fantastic. It also made that scrapping TARDIS sound when you plug in USBs. Also a fantastic feature, quite quirky. Much wow... For a week and then it really grated on my nerves. Found out after a month there was a switch on the side that let you turn the sound off. Wonderful. Fantastic. Problem solved. They all lived happily ever after, end of the story.

Except it wasn't.

Because the internet exists and with it, great knowledge that I shouldn't have been allowed access to.

I got bored and last year during some death scrolling, I found out I could change that hideously irritating TARDIS scraping sound...

...TO WHAT EVER I WANTED...

... And lesbian jesus help me, I wanted to be funny 🙈

So I decided to use sound bites from Holby City. Specifically from Bernie Wolfe.

We had "I say ding dong" for when a USB was pushed into a slot and "Easy tiger" for when a USB was pulled out of a slot.

Link here for reference: Where it all went wrong

Anyway. For a while it was quite funny... Except for you know... When my volume was turned up full blast and I was getting jump scared by Bernie Wolfe's voice every time I plugged in, lord knows what the rest of the house thought every time it went off.

I lived with it for a while... You know... Haha, scared me, GOT ME AGAIN BERNIE YOU OLD SCALLY WAG! But then things started going wrong. The jump scares started going into heart failure mode when in the middle of the night if I was doing a long download, she'd just randomly yell 'DING DONG!' or even worse, she'd start stuttering on full volume 'I SAY I SAY I SAY DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG'. GENUINE heart failure territory. Like FOR GODS SAKES BERENICE STFU!!!

Me being me, I forgot how I'd changed the setting to be her voice... And also at this point, I should add, the switch on the side to stop her talking stopped working.

I must assume murdering me in cold blood via jump scares just wasn't working fast enough for her because for a while she stopped.

All seemed well in the land of Starfleet Witch but unbeknownst to me, Bernie was plotting something bigger. Something she knew would REALLY insta kill me.

I started working from home for a bit and randomly about a week in, she did it again... Except this time she yelled 'EASY TIGER' and that was it. Nothing seemed out of place, she never spoke again after that. Everything was fine for a couple of weeks.

Until last week (AKA THE WEEK THAT NEVER ENDED.)

I'd been in an anxious spiral. Shit was happening IRL and I was TERRIFIED of the future. She saw this weakness in me, witnessed first hand how on the edge I was and decided, like the spiteful cunt she is, that now was the time to hatch her brilliant plan.

Wednesday morning. I had a deadline. 9:30am arrived... But my computer wouldn't turn on. I rang for help, I had switched it on and off many times... Nothing. 10:30am rolled around. I unplugged everything, had the very guts of my computer spread out across my floor praying it would be an easy fix... Nothing. At the 11th hour, I plugged everything back in and tried to turn it on again, constantly pressing F8 to reboot it and miracle of miracles, it worked! I downloaded some software to test the hard drive health, did some diagnostics and everything seemed fine. Better than fine. The computer was HEALTHY AF! So I prayed it may have been just a one off glitch.

It wasn't.

In fact my computer repeated its issue of booting up every morning after that, an expense I couldn't afford to fix any time soon but I NEEDED the computer for work.

Friday morning rolled around, I unplugged everything, held the very heart of my computer in my hands trying to find a loose connection or SOMETHING. Nothing. Everything was fine. Dejected, this time when I tried to turn the computer on, I only plugged in the power cable, screen and keyboard.

It worked first try.

And that's when I FINALLY got suspicions.

Over the weekend I decided to do some experiments. I tried plugging in different things I hadn't plugged in when I last tried switching it on and low and behold it wouldn't turn on when Bernie TARDIS was plugged in.

And that dear friends is when I decided aging 40 years in the space of days over a joke isn't actually funny and that I'd CLEARLY wronged a god somewhere along the way, for what crueller punishment could they bestow upon me than to have my very muse almost kill me via an anxiety induced heart attack?

TLDR:

I haven't found out how yet but my TARDIS with Bernie's voice clearly got possessed by a disgruntled spirit insisting on making my life a living hell and now it's in quarantine until I can cleanse it's soul and work out how to take it's voice away again.

Moral of the story: Don't give things Bernie Wolfe's voice, no matter how funny you think it'll be. Bolting upright in your bed because you heard Jemma Redgrave say "ding dong" at 3am isn't actually as pleasant an experience as you might think and when it happens several times, it's terrifying.

[dipplinduo]

Hey there! I'm actually a big fan of your work , and as a rookie writer myself, I wanted to know if you have some motivation advises (Comparison gives me so much writer blocks and I don't even post)

I love how I received and chose to answer this ask after having a lack of motivation streak that I only broke quite literally a few hours ago xD

I think it's interesting you're bringing up comparison - it honestly might be at the root of what you're specifically experiencing so I'm gonna focus my response on that. I could be off, but it sounds like seeing what other people are doing feels intimidating and puts a lot of pressure on you. So if it isn't "perfect" or "up to par" with what others seem to be doing, it's not good enough to post.

This is my personal take:

I saw a post (wish I could link it but can't remember where it was) that really resonated with me not too long ago. It talked about how we've been conditioned as a society in a way to see a lot of the arts as something to perfect; if you want to sing, you should focus on learning how to become a good singer. If you are a dancer, you should focus on learning forms to become a better dancer.

The post goes on to make the point that this is not why the arts were founded in the first place.

We as humans began to sing because we enjoyed singing. We danced because we liked to dance. We paint, write, and draw because - at each art's purest and most rudimentary form - it is the power and experience of personal expression. The benefit wasn't to be perfect, it was to enjoy the creative outlet in itself.

This is what has always connected me to writing. This is why I'm okay with posting the way I do, and why I don't mind light humor about my typos and all that. Because at the end of the day, you're writing because you enjoy it. You're writing to express and share with others. And you're doing it all for free. Your willingness to give the gift of your creativity out to the world is beautiful in itself.

This next part might sound a lot easier said than done, but again, this is all just my personal route that goes in conjunction with this philosophy:

See other writers/creators as your peers. Think of it like a potluck - everyone's bringing their own food, and everyone has different ideas. But it's cool because now you have mashed potatoes along with your favorite food, and someone else brought ice cream. No one dish is going to "win" - it's the culmination of everyone's efforts that fills plates up and make the event (fandom) enjoyable and connective.

Recognize the way in which your fic is uniquely yours. What's the touch you want to have? Things you enjoy that you want to feel yourself as you create, and perhaps share with others? Romance, humor, fun, peace, angst? Maybe certain situations for characters, or a moment you want to see with your favorite ship? The more you get in touch with what you want to portray, the more credit you'll be able to rightfully give your own work.

Engage with creators/commenters that are additive to your personal enjoyment and creativity. Going with the whole "this is all for fun, and is basically everyone's hobby over life and death" thing - the people you surround yourself with, or even the content you consume, can directly affect your experience in writing for a fandom. I personally get a lot out of talking about my ideas with others and through inviting and responding to feedback from people that engage with my work. If you like engaging with someone else's work, go ahead! See what stands out to you as inspiring, and let that be your takeaway to mull on (as you're essentially learning more about yourself and what you find entertaining or engaging).

I'm gonna get off my soapbox now (lol), but I also wanted to add one more thing:

There unfortunately is a competitive culture in a lot of recreational spaces, and especially with the arts and over the internet lol. There are people who like to overly criticize because it makes them feel better about themselves/their own work, there are people who may choose to dislike you or your work simply because they view you as competition, etc.

These kinds of choices some (not the majority of people!) may choose to make hold no actual reflection of your character or what you're writing. It is someone else's reflection being projected onto you. You may not be able to control what they do, but you can control how you respond. And my advice on that?

It's your free time. Don't give the haters a platform, just disengage & tune into the folks that uplift & encourage you instead. B)

[blackpoolcombatwriter]

I ended up going to bed before the scrum was done but I did see Tony get the second question about harassment. Going to put my reaction under a cut for TW.

I thought Tony's comments about the company's policy came from such a place of privilege. It's easy for the rich, male boss of the company to say his door is always open for anyone to come to him with concerns, or they can go to anyone in the disciplinary committee. In theory, sure it works. In reality, it doesn't matter how many times you assure a young rookie they'll be listened to and taken seriously when their accusation is against someone who's a powerful veteran, friends with the owner, with the ability to blacklist them from many promotions. In way too many cases there will be enough doubt and fear for them to decide to stay silent.

As a woman(and one who has been in the unfortunate position with a coworker), nothing Tony said reassured me. Nothing about it was handled well. Have a prepared statement at the beginning to address it because you are the owner of the company and it should be addressed. It shouldn't have been up to the journalists to have to ask. The first guy shouldn't have asked during Julia's time(he has since posted he regrets his timing but thought the presser vibe was Tony wasn't going to do solo time because it was different than all the other pressers, take that what you will). The WON journalist saying the accusations have agendas is so gross. Tony repeatedly saying AEW is the safest when a few months ago he said he feared for his life, someone needs to get this man media training so he stops rambling on forever.

It's just so unfortunate that something like this overshadows their last PPV of the year, and a lot of wrestlers big moments. I do understand that they're in a weird place because the accusation hasn't come directly from Kylie Rae, she's been dragged into this, but her reaction by tweeting a heart in response to a tweet accusing Jericho can't be ignored. Tony can call them "internet rumours" all he wants, but if people who know Jericho think he's not capable of doing something like this, where's all the supportive tweets? Where's the AEW locker room bad = talent rally of positivity tweets?

Trying to pass the responsibility of having to deal with it off by saying they haven't received any complaints is also ridiculous. It shouldn't have to come directly from a terrified wrestler to be taken seriously. Most of the Speaking Out Movement accusations weren't made directly to the companies but they were still investigated and people were fired. The only reason not to at least reach out about these accusations is if Tony already knows what happened and there's NDAs, but that would also mean something did happened and they covered it up.

It's going to be 2024 here in like less than 12 hours. Can we all just fucking learn that you are not entitled to someone else's body?

[xythlia]

I saw that reply this morning of her being shitty on your pinned has that person responded at all to you?

this is the only time im gonna talk about it, because I don't want to be putting it all over ppls dashes when nobody really wants to see messy shit plus I'm personally over it but I can see why ppl would wanna know what's up with that if anything because it was a direct accusation in public.

It's been over eight hours since they made those accusations in my replies & I made that response post but they just immediately blocked me instead which tells me everything I need to know. They were previously involved in an incident over accusing someone of stealing a theme when they used the same post divider & blog color, then got upset when that person rightfully said they didn't own those things & that the internet is too big to be wholly original so I didn't really take anything they said all that seriously this morning bc of that history.

in fact that's why I blocked them originally, seeing posts about all that going down a few days ago I was like oh yea I'm not into mess so I don't want this person interacting with me in the future. and I didn't deny the similarities between our layouts, but considering mine is factually older than theirs it's just not possible I copied them so it was ridiculous from the beginning.

it's all derivative of someone else anyway which isn't a big deal bc there are differences that exist, looking at our pinned posts no they're not a 1:1 copy at all. that's a different issue & I get being upset over someone legitimately copying every last thing about a theme/layout bc everyone does work hard on making a nice pinned post but that just wasn't true here again it was factually impossible because my pinned + layout is older than theirs.

I'm not someone known for being mean or publicly embarrassing others bc that's not cool behavior & I really didn't wanna have to make that post but almost nobody actually talks maturely about anything online. not everything has to be handled publicly & messily, I would've been happy to just have a talk in dms bc some stuff absolutely can be handled privately without everyone & their mother getting involved but my hand was really forced this morning, especially when they didn't respond to me in the replies of my pinned where I stated again that I've had this layout since july I wasn't confident they'd respond to a dm directly. and please don't get mad on my behalf or anything, nobody needs to go baiting them or goading them into getting upset bc that's not okay either as someone who also has mental health issues I wouldn't wanna be put through that so I won't put someone else thru that. but yeah, ultimately nothing came of that this morning which is fine. I'm perfectly happy to move on & never talk about it again I just felt I should address it one more time bc outwardly there was no resolution to those public accusations which I understand is confusing when u don't know what, if anything, happened

[soulfulscriptor]

Wel this is sad

I think someone almost scammed me out of my money, by trying to get me to buy my own product, through an email that said I made a sale. I'm starting think I'm going to need to watermark all my products regardless if I put writing over them that would be super hard to photohop out and still make the products look good.

Scammers are super annoying. Why prey off innocent people trying to make an honest living? If you have such iniative to prey on innocents, you should be creative and smart enough to come up with your own business ideas and become rich quick.

I've spent the last 3 years dealing with scammers at 1 of my w2 jobs, and got scammed once. And since then these scammers never change their script. And now that I'm trying a new way to make some money for the family, they are preying on the fact I'm new?

I'm too distrustful of emails to begin with, and inputting card information randomly into something I don't think I need to, to get my revenue deserved, especially when it doesn't show up on my sales dashboard almost 48 hours later.

So I went to the community forums to ask to be safe and also inform others of this scam, if it truely is a scam.

It might be sad, I'm extremely distrustful of humans in general as it can be hard to read people, especially with the internet and the phone. But I'm doing my best as a distrustful person, to trust people to have the good in them not to do this stuff.

I know I'm distrustful trusting person. I'm a conudrum, but it's instinct and the benefit of the doubt that has helped me keep going in this world. And as a new business person, I really, really, really want to trust people, I just gotta be safe with 100% pure online sales with no face to face contact.

I wish scamming wasn't a thing, and I wish it wasn't nearly as profitable as these know to be true when they get a naive person to give them what they want.

I may have been naive once, but I swear the dude that got me at work 3y ago pretending to be from corporate was a silver tongue, as he had me under some sort of spell until he started to get pushy about me depositing company money into an ATM.

Anyways, super sad I may not have sold one of my pieces after all.

Link to the product I thought I sold, but probably almost bought from myself, with money sent to the scammer.

[randomclam24]

Ultimately, I don't think this is worth quitting your day job over.

I don't know which one is more important - that I'm a could-have-been-prodigy that has to be medicated first so I don't throw off everything all the time or the fact that everyone else who would *never* be one has to live in their skin arbitrarily

I have heard that smart people are extremely neurotic, meaning they have issues to deal with that regular people wouldn't, naturally, but I don't think that describes the exact problem, because I don't think I'm a neurotic.

Update

My mom acted like that, but I don't have anything special in store.

Earthbound

The Monkeys' Maze - YouTube

Update

A few days ago, I literally deleted Minecraft. There's nothing else I'm interested enough in doing, because I've already done a quest in the Nether to craft speed potions that aren't really that effective, and even when you do succeed, the experience still sucks. I think all that leaves is the End portal or something. Nothing to get excited about.

Update

Dead Internet Theory

7/7

Where I had a story arc for a hero in mind, there wasn't a clear answer cut out. Actually, the start was to literally show up at Israel to make conclusions based out of observation as to where their allegiances should lie. That precedes knowing anything about the JQ, but it was always like *why* should I just support Israel

Update

No matter what, what the left says about being the resistance despite constituting the vast majority of soulless corporations and governance is true. With the accusations they make like "homophobic", what they're fighting in that respect is human nature. So it goes without saying it indeed takes a resistance to keep up something of this nature going at all - nothing on our side mirrors this existential drive out of need

And people keep asking why does it take the collapse to get people off their ass? Because the left's movement is *perpetually* in a state of collapse, or deterioration to the extent that anyone can just call this out

So, it's a question in the first place whether the force of people in outrage over systemic collapse would even rival that of the natural vitriol of the left in simple everyday living

Update

I think I really did my work today. I know they always say do your best, but that might tear up my wrists for other days. Also, this is the level of engagement that my parents recommended that would have gotten this online course done back in January when I started.

So come to think of it, isn't it shrewd to be shorting them like this?

I remember from many days in the past months, I felt dead. These medications weren't doing their job

There are more credit-hour-earning courses that I think are supposed to be taken before you go and actually apply for a job?

The main problem with typing the course material out in order to focus was this weird instinct to either start a new line or not depending on whatever context, which does come down to applying to every sentence.

7/8 night

It felt like having slept all night after waking up.

I had a nightmare where I was physically inside of a level trying to pioneer designing it, but it was like the Plane align (slope) map but very insular as a "default" had already been designed to such a great extent that it warranted exploring. Beyond the starting area which got so dark it was like "advanced darkness", it was like a combination of the alternate dimensions of Quake and the Backrooms' Poolrooms, and it had scary demons in it. Update I'm trying to remember what a particularly disturbing and pernicious demon actually was. I can't because it kept shapeshifting between a beefy dark variant of Revenant from Doom with explosives and a massive slug with tough skin looking more like a human's, which was gross, which could levitate and then throw itself. At some point in finding its weak points which appear as red swollen parts of the entire thing while in slug form and attacking them until it's weak, it stops fighting in order to stop revealing them and asks me, what do you think the red valuable objects in this particular game actually are? Then slowly as a hint the opal-like thing dissolves into a tiny partially-formed red skeleton which is primarily a rib cage, and the white text appears beneath it, "A human fetus". And after that he just says that wasn't really one and he was just kidding.

7/8

I'm already not even using the last settings.

Anisotropic filtering 2.59489 Medium FXAA Multisample x38

This is designed to make environments more imposing.

That is something I wanted for personal level design, so - there was an attempt

I'm still too lazy to design

Update

I'm going to review MyHouse.wad

Update

Also, it is Saturday night, and Sunday morning is when everyone is gone for hours and hours. This means the largest window of opportunity to start drinking

They started selling Mountain Dew Baja Blast in 6-packs of bottles, so I'm trying mixing that now

If you're going less than 100 proof, which is already not just downing straight alcohol, does that officially make you a pansy?

It may come as a shock to many, but I have a beer gut now thanks to the alcohol. (This comes long after the fact of giving up on running away cold-turkey from the gangstalking.) I have to work it off somehow, and I think I'm going to make a point out of that too, with finding the right ways to do it and everything.

Update

I forgot to mention, we're doing this run with GZDoom's new Vanilla lighting mode, with the brightness actually lowered slightly lower manually according to benchmarks from the original Doom, so this will be extra spooky. That's a joke. I actually have terrible feelings already because I made it through the abandoned version of the house.

Update

This should go to an art convention just to see how the art world would react

Update

This makes me feel like getting it

I don't know what that translates to though

I think that non-understanding has more to do with the fact that I don't think my emotional reactivity to my own ideas would translate to other people, more so than not knowing what to actually do per se

I'd also like to know, since artists need their space to make mistakes to learn from them, what makes the new word "mid" relevant

Update

I don't know what brings this up other than the alcohol, but because I'm childhood-traumatized to whatever extent, it made an impression on me to try to vent emotions the same way when cartoon characters made their spastic expressions and mannerisms. That never boded well in my family.

Actually I think that line of thinking is what made me unlikeable the most among regular kids my age back then. That's because there's a lot more thematics of the exceptionalism of America being turned into a kind of atomized supremacy in animated TV meant for kids, whether it's a child set apart from everyone else or a supervillain.

I don't hold it against people to not like that.

Update

Common Filth makes a massive and central point out of "neoteny" as he names it being the highest ideal of the West, implying the faggotry, but I remember the cartoon Kids Next Door being some secret-agent version of that fantasy. I watched a rerun many years after the fact and basically couldn't because of the screaming.

Update

They absolutely had a structure, in the lore of that show, to where you could potentially graduate to being a teenager and still keep your memories as an agent.

Update

I *wish* I could simply vent ideas, but this isn't exactly what Japanese art considered an intimate setting

Update

I don't really know. Where that mention of preserving memories as an agent gets lost in translation to people, I don't know where to begin.

Update

MyHouse.pk3's music after entering the decrepit version of the house is just too much for me. At this point, it feels like it's punching me in the gut.

Update

If it really came down to me ranting, I would start with the ones making the real-world bullshit politics *personal*, because I don't want them to be.

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/253/068/729.jpg

Will this be the end of this account? Yes, because they're fed up

Update Honestly, that meme doesn't take into account the direct role of the jews in that importing. Really, how much of the traitors' own liberalism is on account of the jewishness?

Oh no forbidden questions

Update I watched Office Space uncut with my dad today, and I convinced him to play Super Monkey Ball, which arrived just days ago, enough to play tomorrow. My dad's the one making a point out of - not playing through things so fast that you run out of content before you know it. I told him you could easily stretch it out to two days if you try the beginner stuff one day and decide you like it. Yeah, no dice.

That 4chan saying, "nothing ever happens", holds enough water still that I can just ramble with no consequences, and I already tried to state this isn't worth quitting your day job over.

Update No, there was a point where I was stressing enough to not want to have a job in my life, in my schedule, as well as all that.

Update I don't want to compete, but realistically, if I did come out with fv, I would have to top the parallels from such as the Mandela Catalogue. Ouch

Update I remember just going to parks more than a half hour away where I knew no one would be just to smoke cigarettes. I knew how bad they were for you. This was well after living a childhood of being broadcast that messaging.

Once I downed fourteen small ones before work by the riverside, and the resulting state was worse than when I started

Update The difference between nihilism's meaning nothing matters being pessimistic versus optimistic

As if, what if I had just done all of such and such without any care for my worries

I still think close to 100% of it would end up being forced though

Update So I wouldn't redo any of what led up to this point. I would never want to do that.

But the entire mentality of, what if I was on my deathbed and I had to look back on my life, at this point I might as well just continue IBM SkillsBuild

And if it weren't for the fact of having ways of using code that are done independently, I don't have a reason except that, in that I eventually have to have a job, I have to keep sucking in oxygen.

Update Do I have to write it in code or something to get the idea across

Is Madoka Magica Side Story good or nah?

If not, what else is good

7/9 My dad played Super Monkey Ball on the beginner stages, and he made it to the last level where it basically became apparent the game's challenges were too far-fetched. Then for the first time, I made it through the entire advanced levels, by a hair's margin. Then we tried the expert stages, and I wondered what that rope-like thing with bananas on it was, but that was the stage.

Update at night I feel so happy-go-lucky, it's an insult to people who work for a living.

I'll work. I'm not booked up anymore.

I thought I was 27 years old, but actually I'm 28. (But this is just *after* my birthday and not before it)

Update Considering the statistics that have been reviewed by now, making for yielding to a different opinion on the state of things - how relevant is a dire narrative about the fate of the West, in general?

I always had in mind for such a thing there is a definite system in place in and throughout everyone's conditioning that shows that keeps you from doing what you're supposed to be doing for true justice.

Really, it started from obstruction from just trying to state observation.

Really, I think that narrative is not representative of anyone but myself. Oh, and Anonymous culture which you don't talk about But I was dramatizing it in a way that would make them call me a bitch, so Which is ironic, considering the shared circumstances

This is a time to consider dumping the whole thing, or maybe restructuring

What about the fate of Europe? Do you think they're any better off than before?

Update Can you believe that the political system Americans - no, the West - has had exists? I don't get it. What is augmenting this?

If even one were permitted to tell the truth, it would be like, I'm Mr. Krabs, and I like money money money money money money

Suffice it to say, *we are in hell*

I've never heard that phrase said in that capacity

"We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine, and the machine is bleeding to death."

If you ask anyone who is uninitiated what this means, it's about capitalism, which is equivalent to associating it with white people. What do you think it is?

It's like for regular people I have to fake it and say it's not about white people when it is. I know it is. That's what it's all about.

Okay so we're going to have to do something completely uninspired and machiavellian

We're going to have to somehow convince the average schmuck of the lowest common denominator that white people (they *are* the target) arbitrarily *aren't*? It's like, what language are you even speaking? Of course white people are the target. That's the way it goes (yeah I know)

Unironically, you could mask antisemitism *any day* by redirecting it by hating and ripping on the wh*toid (not-)people

With all this hate of white people, it's like you're saying this system built behind the scenes by jews isn't valid

7/10 Getting to object-oriented programming again, now introduced in the context for JavaScript, made me have to think about why I felt this need to decide whether I make a new line for new sentences or not. I figured the reason was that if the new sentence's meaning's relation to the previous one is what programming would consider a constant, where it's as a rule and not what programming would consider an instance, then it should directly follow after the previous one without a new line separating them. The reason I do it this way is because otherwise, everything being typed onto the same paragraph with no separation makes it all blur together, and I figure that's my thinking literally seeing them all collectively as a constant.

Update I can't get any deeper ending routes in myhouse.pk3, except I did find the Poolrooms segment and decided I don't want to If I die at this point, I don't think anything of value will have been lost. Leaders typically aren't the same people as good writers.

7/11 As you can see, white men are now outmoded in their society by the mestizo / Asian / black people natural elite

Normally, there would be enough room for representation of white people, but the remainder left in positions of authority are all these skinwalkers we know as boomer politicians

Is this just all we were brought up to be? Yes.

Update I don't think I have the fortitude to do the Poolrooms section of myhouse.pk3. I already found all the items in the regular-ending secret sections. I am mentally or emotionally exhausted.

Also, every time this mod is played, you'll have to re-extract GZDoom without deleting the save files in order to play Project Brutality again

I've beat 23 random maps with raw, fresh pistol start on Harsh

Even this lower difficulty level doesn't guarantee surviving more than a minute on later maps

Update I don't care so much for games made after 2013 or such, and this is how it works

Update We can't stop what's coming anymore. I don't know what exactly, but https://imgur.com/a/160Vo3F

This was already the situation, but now on top of that things like the top panel will additionally be completely atomized in being called out for autism

Realistically, I *think* this can be rectified by the leftists' simple statement: what the right wants is violent, whereas what the left wants is relatively harmless.

And then we'll have to go into 200 hours of referencing school faculty child rapes versus that of the Catholic church because we brought up tranny child rape is an actual thing as naturally feared While we're busy in goyish D&C from easy derailment, they'll just be walking aside and finish it up with, "it's harmless." (It *is*!) They don't see *any* of that. *They just see* that trannies, for all of the noise that regular people make in their baser nature, don't reflect any of that and just want to give input that is relatively harmless.

It's *true*! We don't want warlike

So in the end, *I like sitting on my ass all day* This void of no meaning despite the most convenient indoors setup as a standard in history and access to all the world's books online and so forth - is enough to keep *anyone* occupied (*well* throughout the day (*Well*!)!)

Update There *is* no awakening, just like before with, the uprising doesn't exist.

We operate with just a fraction of what is memed.

They're not letting us off of the *hook* - if these problems are going to be keeping persisting, it's these white males being Republican whether openly or underneath and making everything stay the same

Update Correction: We don't like Republicans either

Years ago - I think I mentioned this already - I recreated the entire starting gallery from Ib along with the bare essentials for the scripting that plays out getting you to an unfinished version of the basement. There were also like two maps in Yume 2kki. But now GZDoom has these effects. It has upscaling at the same time as multisampling and dithering. It also can have ambient occlusion on every corner. I worked with the main creator of Ao Oni Doom on YTP Doom, and I haven't tried it with the new update, but that was what made me want to know how effectively RPGMaker could be converted to 3D.

Update I think there's a legitimate reason environments could be relatively simple polygons back in like 1998 in Ocarina of Time and still be impressive. They were dealing with lower resolutions back then. Unfortunately what I'm thinking of that inspires that kind of nostalgia costs way more to render and will make everything relatively inefficient.

I was thinking, if I were to design as an "indie" developer, it would just be one person, so anything beyond that 7th-gen era would be completely out of my league. But other effects that would normally be foregone could be brushed up on. Actually, I'm not satisfied with that. There will be some more thought on that.

Update Pretty soon, people of any political leaning will be able to just ask independents, why do you hate America? And then at that point you can just autistically respond BECAUSE IT'S SHIT, FUCK YOU, and then in their glee in believing they won the argument they'll make autistic bleating noises

Update I'm sorry

After experimenting with the settings again, honestly the trick of the intended optical illusion would be to set FXAA really high. In fact if there wasn't already an extreme setting, I would say it's detrimental it doesn't go even higher With that established, multisample could be set down to 3 Anisotropic filtering is what would create the blur effect to imply depth. There doesn't seem to be a one-size-fits-all, so that's not working. Update I changed it to 2.59491, which is hardly different from the last one

Update Apparently there is an alternative to the options given by atheists about the nature of God, that the war in Heaven was lost and we're all living in the aftermath. Really, I don't think any man's scope of God extends beyond the material realm. It's just not possible. You're talking about the fate of nations. Even so, there's absolutely nothing that we can do about it from this plane of existence, so it may as well be gospel. That's how everyone thinks. Update Actually, that's not how everyone thinks. But it is how everyone feels. So right, it *is* how everyone thinks.

I can't find anything more on my own in myhouse.pk3. End my life

Update Remember when Stefan Molyneux said "the time for arguments is over"? Wouldn't it be nice if life were so nice as to allow this. The censorship is real.

I feel like it's guaranteed to outrank mass graves if we just sit here and allow whitoids to commit suicide in increasing amounts on their own time. That's all that will become of the whitoid race, and it's already upon us I'd be glad to go *too* There's zero value in following anybody anymore - just have to sleep more often, don't have a plan after that

Update I'm not a good person Update Ghost won't make another fuckin livestream

It's over

spell badoomst't't't've

I have nothing left to do but get drunk and beat my nonexistent wife

7/12 Boredom is the evident meaning of life because it is the only universal constant

7/13 The days keep piling up with how long I haven't been as productive I tried turning down the backlight on the screens. Subtle things like that might help.

I settled on a prescription amount for my other meds - these are meds which I've already taken in these amounts for months at a time in the past - but there's an enhancer drug to the other meds which is very small which also has some effect. I don't want to just conclude that the effects of these medications as a prep for the work environment are just mediocre, but that is what the man giving the prescriptions, in just trying to put me on the maximum amount of antidepressants, has left me with.

I splashed cold water on my face and neck. The blinds that I got my parents to install to avert the gangstalking that occasionally comes from the window to my room, I actually opened for once to let in sunlight. No progress. I took two DVD cases and propped up the screen to face me better with that. Actually, I stayed up last night, with the tab made fullscreen to block the clock, specifically to read the latest chapter of Godzilla NES Replay I don't have commentary on it, unless someone is going to insist that this is an example of exactly what the Republicans want

7/13 What I heard was that between 2007 and 2012, there was a massive number of people who became aware of the globalist elite, to whatever extent. What I realized was that the implied momentum that this would carry over into didn't actually happen. It doesn't actually exist. I was trying to manually make up for that. So basically it's down to instinct, if people try to shoehorn in "pride" in any way, shape, or form as an expression of how far we've come as a society, it's not an expression of surplus at all because that doesn't exist. They're just flat-out replacing it. It's like when black people fill in the gaps of their understanding of what's wrong with the world with white people. No, there's enough people knowing, not even in grassroots movements but literally at the ground level, that I don't need to worry so much anymore, but even still - what are the hypetrains and bandwagons good for?

I don't know exactly where to go from here

All the people that have been projecting in recent months, they have some *reasons* behind what they're saying - at least that's what I'm interpreting because no one these days seems to be able or cognizant of the need to argue their way out of a paper bag, just assuming that we're mind-readers and get it preemptively as they did - that's not how it works, and you need to use your words - not shitposting

They think it's not "sophistry", and that's such a baseless accusation, because it sounded preeminent in their own head

The cultural divide being bridged is like asking Internet nu-atheists to specify what life experiences have made their personal view of father figures project onto God, let alone actual religious arguments. No one's going to actually do that. Instead, they're going to oblige the getting caught up in stupid pseudo-arguments used as proxies to such things without ever taking the blinds off.

I planned on reviewing something today, but I put just enough money in the ATM machine for the Steam sale price, and that ended during that time. Now I'm just sitting here. It's not like I'm broke. I've got plenty, for what I spend.

Update Life sucks. We deserve better psyops.

It's possible studies on the human brain are systemically stifled because that would make it easier to undo obfuscation. Until more recent generations, it wasn't even known that trauma has lifelong impacts.

Update The "you don't have to know any more because the evident is right in front of you" which gains them the title of midwit

Also, when debaters' entire arguments on an individual or group are hinged on the assumption of their lack of agency - that's like 90% of debating online, combined with a ton of butthurt

Maybe 90% of people legitimately have a lack of agency hence their implications and my standards are too high

But that's why it's butthurt that they keep coming back, because otherwise you would be like me and not partake where it gets this stupid

Update Sorry for being a jerk, but it will probably happen again

Super update I've got the usual booze, snacking on in-shell peanuts which were just restocked in the store, by the way, playing Donkey Kong Country 3 - decided on LQ3XBold + Simple 2x for filtering, based on Earthbound

Are you guys ready for some hard cringe tonight?

No

Update What is inspiration? Can you illustrate it?

Update One thing I hadn't thought of, or at least not much, is - while I've settled that I'm not going to have kids, because of the impermeability of gangstalking and everything within *my* life - if you had kids, what experiences would you want them to experience for themselves? And that might answer the question of what really was worth having in the first place [*Other than things that are more mature*]

Somewhat unrelated, there was apparently an American politician who mentioned slice-of-life anime and asked on social media for recommendations. When given K-On!, he said he already watched that. When I hear it said like that, it sounds like it's just taken in as consumerist to be left unsatisfied, like adding more which are probably going to be of lesser quality are going to make it alright. This is why I haven't even watched that show yet, beyond a certain number of episodes, including a number of anime from that time period. Will there be a time for them in our society? Maybe

Update One of those bellwethers - when my dad saw I had checked out the Portable Nietzsche at the public library, which I think they eventually removed that entire author of later on - he had practically breakdown levels of trying to break it to me, this man is just pessimistic. I take things with a grain of salt. It's probably not even going to happen, but I imagine a better life where my own family isn't so...anally-sensitive?

My dad's saying, you just do x, y, z, and the world will be your oyster, is so out-there in being a boomer-skewed statement - people of my generation aren't going to get that from their day job.

And the same guy has the gall to put down Nietzsche for pessimism, in complete ignorance. It's a good thing I read things in the Bible like, you will hate your mother and father (which a pastor has said means "love less", but same concept) and follow me, as opposed to rejecting it autistically Unless you consider that only a way to convince myself that I have basis in something, which really isn't that different from what Protestants are criticized for

Update I never thought of that. I think a lot of people haven't thought about that: people who regularly go to attend a ball game aren't thinking about whether or not it's going to have a great play or not. How different should it really be for people who are watching movies as a hobby for its own sake? In fact you spend much less going to a movie. In fact my dad thought that by going to the matinee showing of a movie he didn't want to encourage the making of, he was withholding his support. It *was* only two dollars. Yet I managed to hold up a conversation with him on the topic of ruining old Hollywood icons like Indiana Jones and the ramifications it's going to have on them financially, and he seemed fairly in-touch. He had actually "heard of" Blackrock and its part in the game.

Animes have some legitimately existential concepts baked-in as the general premise which can be felt, but when it comes down to it, for example if you have the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, there's one whole scene in the beginning season or so where it explains her experience going to a game and realizing that she's just one of many in a crowd so vast it wasn't even worth noting everyone throughout the bleachers. Then the rest of it is inevitably going to be weebshit.

Update Silent Hill + Siren is obviously rated M for mature, but there is still Nintendo games, classic Nintendo. How late would classic Nintendo be?

Only up through N64, where they had the rating K-A (kids - adults)

Update I might turn a new leaf to Halo, the ones that Bungie had a part in, so up through Xbox 360. It has all the aesthetics you need. But I got it on PC, so Xbox hardware won't really be needed.

I've heard if you haven't played GTA IV, you're not *cool* I own it, against my parents' wishes, but I haven't played it

Update If I'm asking for too much with anime, you could ask, why don't I watch Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood? I watched Fullmetal Alchemist, and then I watched how Brotherhood portrayed the first few episodes and didn't get hooked based on that. I probably should, but

In times like this, it's almost like you want the ability to go into the Akashic Records and find something good. People on actual drugs act like they're on all that. There are claims some media tapped into the collective unconscious or the Akashic Records. I don't know anything about that.

I'm grateful to my family for putting me through so many systems to try to revitalize me, even if those were more like getting crowded out than actually helping, but I feel like there's nothing in the computer science career path - aside from the original inspiration of robotics, which *hasn't taken off in the real world at all* - that would actually work to give back.

With respect to robotics, I am of the conviction that if a universal base income, even a shitty one at that, could be established by such means, many people getting laid off would not even be bad. The idea of taking narrow tasks and perfecting them to the point they can just be left to automation in our place is actually something that excites me to an extent.

But, also, paraphrased from an anon, when they mention that their job is farming, people tend to break up the conversation like it's to be looked down on when it's critical infrastructure - that anon said good luck with the collapse

Update Honestly, what if the very concept of the Akashic Records is absurd? Why would there be anything that needs to be known in the absolute? You have the Bible, and if that ever becomes redundant, then what?

Update Also, I actually went to the library on a different trip than when I got the Portable Nietzsche and skimmed Eastern religion and happened upon passages that said that, even the worst of personalities can find itself justified by the Intellect, or Logos, if you know what that means. The implication that can be taken away, though, is that that intellect doesn't make you any better an actual person, and I realize this.

I'm saying a lot of Eastern religion can be distinguished from Western religion in that respect: a lot of what they're saying is just true as an objective observation and not as a moral per se.

Update And of course, Nietzsche's personal claim - I don't take it as just personal and so atomized - that true Christianity can be tried at any time - that's a claim that sounds about as out-of-bounds as Western college Communists saying Communism has never been tried.

Honest to God, with the way the media reduces attempts at martyrdom, the very concept of that has been reduced to, "watch how all theze hoes get mad when I xyz" - it's the rap game by this point. Long story short, do we condone that? No

Update But the original thought from that last update was, if there was a such a thing as a "true level" where true Christianity can be tried, would that not provide a backbone for higher records such as the Akashic Records? Tell no one because "pearls before swine"

Update I've been lucky in that there haven't been passages I've written just to say, "uh oh!", and have to delete that, just to have people haunt me with a screenshot of it.

With Anonymous, you have the meme, two Pepe frogs have a set of cups interconnected with a string, and they say, hey fren, it's the jews, and the other responds, that's all? They respond, yup, that's it.

Update I hope knowing about this alone isn't enough to have a conviction. Even loli back in the day used to emphasize more mature features. What we have in the current state is actually closer to pedophilia. And that's the state of things *after* the crackdown on the Internet.

Update Random memories At one point, my highschool band or something went to a location where we had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory, and while I didn't care much for the food one way or the other, it was very aesthetic - why am I thinking of that now

and speaking of areas in St. Louis, I've never given an in-depth analysis of what the St. Louis City Museum actually looks like inside, and throughout, within They actually have a restaurant in there I ate it. The pizza's good

Update I visited my grandma for the first time in maybe over a year, since she's been put in an old people's home, unfortunately, and I recounted from memory, because of the way she's acting and the way my mom didn't have any meaningful reaction to it, they say old age is your second childhood.

My grandpa already died of old age years ago. Seeing a human dead in a casket doesn't appear to actually be dead and is terrifying.

Update I don't care - accelerate

I think there's some reality in the fact that, while my parents say don't drink alcohol more than a regular person or something, I don't lose my good judgment until I'm practically already hallucinating - the fact is that withdrawal is a thing - for some reason, now that I say that, I don't care (I have never experienced it)

This isn't relevant to the current topic, but I think it has to do with my manhood - I can't beat Cuphead and Mugman on my own past World 1.

I think it's not because I'm drunk necessarily that I write random crap; I just don't care one way or the other

And yet there are topics I won't talk about like it's a stovetop that would burn me - but that has more to do with what other people would make of it beyond my scope

There is so much of people who have to suffice it to say, "if you don't like it, then don't come on to the video", where that's their best justification to the masses

Update I think there's legitimately a point to be made on the Internet being regarded as the modern-day Wild West, that being in previous years as opposed to what we now go through today - on a daily basis I don't find that kind of passion anymore even in porn (it's rare)

7/14 I'm starting over all the way from Doom 1 with Death Wish spawning

I redownloaded Minecraft to play on version 1.8.9, again, because I've only explored the Nether on console, where it's practically penned in. I think it's about time I do an actual expedition through it.

Update So, the elephant in the room on the trannies: why do we not just consider that like some form of addiction? Look at the absolute suicide rates.

That could be the other elephant in the room on the trannies: no one cares about them enough to warn them like that - this being the case despite their narcissism

Update I loved Mechanical Drawing back in high school. It felt like the most staightforward thing to me, even though even then I could barely keep up to the deadlines. The teacher had a mustache, which seemed old-fashioned, and for a teacher he was relatively small. There was one kid in the class who kept saying things that I guess a dudebro douche would say. If he said "that's so dope", you would hear the teacher say back to him, "you *are* a dope"

They would back-and-forth with that sometimes each in their own form of jest

Update My goal with Minecraft now is to do with starting up in it what I did with a Lego set of the AT-ST walker from Star Wars - for that I learned to go from the base pieces to the full thing in less than a minute. I want to be able to explore the Nether with full equipment with more to spare within a certain timeframe.

One aspect of computer programming that got to me was the concept of breaking down instructions so that - the idea is - even a gorilla could carry them out. But then I have all these ideas of optimization in mind before any of that plays out - my internal plan is more like someone very adept has to review the final instructions meticulously until it gets broken in. The mentality of having a gorilla do it is not going to accomplish these goals of optimization. It's a gorilla.

I think I know what the big division in understanding of how the computer is to handle things in programming has to do with the concept of short-term memory. I can understand, if the deal is complicated to the point that short-term memory fails, then what? Usually, if I don't have mastery of a mathematical formula in advance, it doesn't matter how I plug and chug it, because beyond a certain threshold of complexity, I'm going to do something wrong like invert a positive value to negative or the other way around. I just don't personally see success coming out of formulaic instructions that just keep extending on and on like programming and not experience entropy, directly producing fatal errors. *That's* what it would mean to have a gorilla in charge of the instructions.

I really think that gorilla analogy is defunct, because I always thought of computers like you would a calculator. If the formula is finalized and it's verified to be input correctly, it's going to do the plug-and-chug with more precision than a human ever would. When you get exceptions, they call them bugs. Back in early programming history, computers were so large, they would find literal bugs inside the machines which severed the program as an outside force.

I never understood the mentality that led to Hollywood ( - Hollywood) depictions of robots having a mind of their own. Intrinsically, a computer does not have a mind of its own. What you start out with is a blank slate.

[rulletywriting1412]

story 1

The mysterious detective

??? Pov

Didn't you hear ?

Hear what ?

The detective cracked the case again !!

Woah for real ?? How do they know.. isn't that person who ever it is Anonymous ? We don't even know if their human !

But that's if you believe in mystical creatures of course !

Ye I guess so

Hey don't we have class right now ?

Ye oh god let's run for it

As I heard those two girls talk I chuckled and walked away looking at my watch

Huh ? Oh well it's Time to go home

I thought walking back home

Time skip

Home sweet home

I thought as I put the food in the kitchen

I then went to the living room and opened the tv

It seems that our mysterious detective solved the case again ! Just who could it be

The news reporter said shocked

Oh come on I couldn't help but solve it

I thought smirking as I closed the tv and started reading the news

Case solved

A other day shopping in the tiny neighborhood

As I walked around I saw someone unconscious from far a way

The closer I got the more blood

That’s when I saw a dead lady , with blood pouring out of her stomach

What's happing

I heard someone run towards me it sounded like an old lady but not too old maybe she's in her 50-60 most likely

Hello , there I was just walking by and happened to see her do you know her by any chance ?

I asked unfazed

U-h oh yes I do but let’s call an ambulance

She replied looking at me in an unsure way

Yes if you want I can check on her I know a bit about medicine and the human body

Ah yes

I then went to feel her body

still it's a new kill ? But who knows what are the chances for her to survive

A gun ? If it was some kind of knife it would have been hidden here somewhere or taken by the killer but this is also hard if she fell from a window hence a Suicide one of these windows should be open I thought as I looked around as I felt her pulse

Miss could you call the ambulance there might be a chance so I wouldn't bet on it in the mean time I'll check the building there the windows you see

I said pointing my finger

Once the woman left to call the ambulance I quickly went to the building it seemed old and abandoned

I then went towards the first window closed it was even dusty which proved how long it's been sense people came here

I then checked the other windows till the last one none of them were open they were all locked and dusty

Time skip

Once the Emergency came taking the woman away the lady had to go with them I decided to get that lady's number using a random phone and number I had and I added her

*₊˚✺ home ✺*₊˚

I decided to search about that location and houses near it from what the dead woman was wearing she didn't seem rich but she could afford at least a tiny apartment for a living I couldn't find her Id or anything like that in her bag but oh well

There's only one shady apartment near that rundown place and that's the koha

There aren't much members so it was easy spotting her

A woman who was a part of this really rich family they had connections to a lot of good people tho it seems she went on a different path ending up pregnant and living in that rundown apartment

Although what I'd like to ask is who hates her that much to want to kill her I suspect it wasn't a gun if it was that lady she would have come earlier to her once she heard the gun

If it was a knife or something like that ... ah but it could be …I thought researching

Time skip

I then opened the tv seeing the lady's death was announced

Finally

More info I thought.

Nvm I already found all that hours ago I thought a bit pissed oh well what ever now then I know who the killer is

Once The news finished I wore my jacket and started walking towards my friends business he lets me work there so I can get some money for living expenses basically and Internet caffe but there are also private rooms if you Wana use the computer by yourself with out people sitting around u or like near u

Time skip

I decided to start a new account and text the lady from there telling her I am the detective and that I've cracked the case I'll send you everything so if I were you I'd go show this right now

The killer : lucas tamal

His connections to the lady are too complicated before she reached this state I suspect he’s the father of the kid even tho he's young

its definitely him for one the woman's family cared to much about their family name and once he found out he was the father his family's reaction was definitely not accepting what he did and hating him who knows what more they felt or did to him but it made him reach to the point of hating and resenting that lady to the point he killed her off hiding his face scared but carefully

Case solved !

If you want more info press this for detail + but I’m sure you already know the details don’t you ?

I sent as I deleted the account and the app completely

I then left the room sense it was cleaning duty

Time skip

*₊˚✺ home ✺*₊˚

This was easy I thought tired

News report : the case solved again

News report : Lucas tamal thrown in jail for murder

That was quick

I thought

Who ever the hell that other detective is that's supporting my theories is quite the quick one

the new case !

?????pov

Sir the lady she came ! She wants to show u something

Someone said stuttering as they called for me

Sure I'm coming

I replied as I packed my book full of info of this case

A woman found dead in front of a rundown building , a former important person at that how unexpected

Time skip

Once I reached to the location and saw the lady she gave me her phone telling me to read what was written I looked at it a bit bothered they solved my case again

I then searched the name and did some of my researching to prove this and hell this mysterious detective who ever it is

is smart

Who ever that was that solved this case before me their right

I said as I stared at the building and then at the body trace

owen here's your part our criminal is in-fact lucas do what you can to get in him in Jail using my name or even this mysterious detective after all that we have a case to solve

I said smiling

Right of course detective arthur

Owen replied smiling

My trust worthy friend with an actual important name

we've been friends ever sense I wanted to become a detective with nothing else in mind he was there with me saying he'd be my side kick in a way

Once I crack a case , which isn't happening much now a days due to that mysterious detective

he spreads it using his power , and when it isn't something I solve and that annoying human solves it I have to put it out for the world that who ever it is that solved it

Now then time to crack this case after all it will be worth it

*₊˚✺ home ✺*₊˚

Now then our mysterious detective what could catch your attention

... the location normally people wouldn't be there would they ?

I then grabbed my phone calling Owen

Owen I have an idea let's go to the scene it's self no one would walk there unless ...

Mysterious detective pov

This guy owen Bardot he's the one who called for this or at least seems like the ones with the strings but apparently he works with this detective tho I assume due to my existence that detective isn't solving anything anyway

I thought slightly proud of my self

Well I'm guessing after 4 cases I've solved this man's gonna start looking for me

I don't care if he finds me honestly but I'm still unsure if I should trust him

is he even that good he's been covering up for me and actually giving me credit but does that prove he’s worth it

until he finds me I'll solve what comes my way and stay a bit alerted more then the usual

Found out red handed

Excuse me wake up now

Who could that be

I thought as I lazily wore my jacket and washed my face walking towards the door

Oh hello there granny

Yes , hello Lucia I need you to fix this for me I'll pay you but please do fix it

She said handing me her old laptop

Heavy as usual I thought tired

Alright what's the problem ?

I asked looking at her as I let her in the tiny apartment of mine

There's this weird button that keeps popping up .....

She then continued talking about the issue and what she tried to do

Time skip

Thanks for coming again

I said smiling

Of course and don't forget to pay your rent

She said slightly smiling

Ah darn it my rent I forgot

I mumbled falling on my couch

Hello is anyone there ?

I heard a man's voice say knocking my door

Ah yes just a second please

I said in a happy loud voice as I was wearing my shoes

Once I reached to the door I opened it to end up being met by two men

owen bardot?

And some random guy I've never seen before

Owen Bardot looked at me with his green emerald eyes as he was smiling

The other behind Owen staring at me with his dark black eyes and black air giving me somewhat of mixed signs

Do you mind if we talk for a bit ?

Owen asked looking at me smiling

Oh yes of course I said smiling letting them in

So sorry about the mess I just woke up

I said as I prepared seats for them

Please sit here

I said smiling

I then brought them some sweets and made some tea

Here for you

I said smiling as I handed them both a cup

Would you like some tea ?

Sure

Why not

Well anyway what brings me the honor of meeting the both of you ?

I asked being polite

Well actually we can't give you the specifics but I'm sure you have heard of the mysterious detective.? Yes ?

Yes I have they sound like quite the clever one I said smiling

And I'm sure you heard the latest case they solved it’s somewhere near here

Oh .. yes I have although I didn't tune in on the specific location so that's news

I replied being careful about my words

It's quite a sad story but it was solved so quickly I'm still shocked at how quick they were

I replied

If I May ask why are you here at my apartment can't be because the location was close I mean who ever that detective is that solved the case I can’t be them nor the murderer

Ye your not the murder but we were thinking maybe ....

Your the detective

The other man continued

Me why's that ?

I asked keeping my laugh in

A lot of clues

The man replied

Look let's be cooperative about this we've got you surrounded

They figured me out so that's the detective aye

I thought as I looked at the man next to Owen

You sir may I ask your name ?

I asked looking at the black haired man

Of course miss my names Arthur adler Nice meeting you and finally although I wasn't expecting the mysterious detective her self to be a girl

He said smiling

So what's your plan with me now

I replied

What do you do for a living

What ? I I'm a free lancer 

Ah I see great then consider becoming a detective you've solved plenty of cases even ones I couldn't solve until I found ur answer

The man said excited looking at me

What ..??

I mumbled stuttering

Your kidding I don't want my name out there I need to do plenty of stuff to become one so it ain't worth it

I replied looking away

You have already solved so many cases covered by my friend Owen here as well as my self , we gave you credit you know

He said looking away sighing

Yea thanks

I replied smiling

Well okay how about we make a deal

Owen said intervening

I shivered a bit feeling as though I had no choice

Years later

Hey Arthur are you there ??

I asked calling out for him using my phone

Yes I am what's up ?

He replied a bit tired

This case it sounds perfect

I said smiling

Agreed !

Arthur replied I could tell he was smiling from the other side and so we started investigating

This was my first story I’m still a working writer for fun :) btw if your reading you should prob follow the order so read this first

[snake-snacc]

↪ Found you on the internet

↪ Pairing — Chifuyu Matsuno x Kazutora Hanemiya ↪ Warnings — swears/bad words, Kazutora being a horny dick, Chifuyu being way to nice ↪ Notes — Inspired by the song "Found you on the internet" by HAVEN. I´ve been listening to this song since weeks and I couldn´t get the thought out of my head, that this is a Kazutora thing. So I used little Fuyu to suffer for my enjoyment

Even after hours of deliberation, Chifuyu's fingers hung unsteadily over the keyboard. Should he really take the first step and text a complete stranger? He had to make the first move if he wanted them to eventually meet! And at least he hadn't signed up for nothing. He wanted something like broadening his horizons and getting over people who obviously already had someone in their lives. But maybe putting that exact same description in his profile wasn't that smart. It sounded desperate and that was really the last thing he wanted, but apparently it had worked. At least someone had expressed interest to him. Only by giving the profile a like, but it was something! Also, Chifuyu's minute-long profile stalking of the apparently interested person would have been in vain if he didn't text the person! After all, the guy himself seemed desperate or rather looking for revenge when the blonde thought of the sentence "Since my boyfriend apparently confused being in a reformatory with breaking up and got a stupid bitch, I'm apparently single" . Chifuyu wasn't looking for anything solid. He was just looking for a distraction from the guy who lived in the same house with him. 

Also, he didn't find the part about the reformatory as repulsive as he might have done. It probably came from his own rebellious days or the thought that certain black haired guys might get there too. Another plus was that the stranger didn't seem to live that far away either, so the chance to meet was there.

It took another 27 minutes until Chifuyu finally used the keyboard and wrote a first message. 

"Hello Hanemiya-san..."

That was a good three weeks ago and Chifuyu was very proud of himself that from then on he wrote to the guy almost every day. They talked a lot about hobbies or what the other was doing or wanted to do in the future. The blond quickly found out that the other had a very interesting sense of humor, mostly obscene or sexual, at times very sinister. That he got very upset and was extremely direct and honest. It wasn't uncommon for Chifuyu to read messages like "You're annoying me" or "I'm jerking off for a moment". It definitely took some getting used to, but Chifuyu didn't mind getting used to it. 

Once they'd even managed to talk on the phone for a few minutes and he vividly remembered how cold he'd gotten while waiting for someone to answer. How each beep had made him more and more nervous. And Chifuyu remembered perfectly how everything had slipped into his pants at the first sound of the new voice. He hadn't imagined it to be so soft and melodious, rather a bit higher and in the midst of it´s voice breaking. At least that's the impression Hanemiya conveyed via text.

Chifuyu stood in front of a small snack bar with his phone in his hands nervously and waited there. Even still somewhat in disbelief that he was really meeting the new acquaintance. When asked how Chifuyu was supposed to recognize him, he only got a "You will” . 

His turquoise eyes searched up and down the street. Again and again, looking for someone who would catch his eye. Someone who might also be looking for someone or waiting alone in front of the snack bar. 

There were often moments when Chifuyu thought he'd finally found him, but it always turned out to be nil. 

His shoulders were already slightly slouched, he looked back at his cell phone, checked if he had a new message, but there wasn't any. Slowly he began to toy with the idea of ​​being pawned. Hanemiya himself had given a very interested impression. But maybe the fact that Chifuyu didn't even know his first name wasn't a forgotten question, but a tactical way of not letting him get closer. With a sigh, he tucked his cell phone back into his jacket pocket and put his hands also in to it. He had already been waiting for 40 minutes, so he might as well just leave. His gaze wandered to the ground for a moment and a smile formed on his lips. What had he expected from a sometimes strange guy like Hanemiya.

"Excuse me," he heard, the blond raised his head and was literally killed by the golden eyes that were far too close. He took a step back, frowned slightly, and spoke up.

"Yes?"

"I'm looking for a guy, hopefully handsome. I think he was blond and the name was something with Fuyu, but it could also be something completely different.” The person addressed needed a few seconds to combine the somehow familiar voice with what was being said. Then it clicked.

“C-Chifuyu! Chifuyu is my name,” he then got out. Internally very relieved that the other hadn't stood him up and he didn't have to text him. Chifuyu's eyes wandered over the guy in front of him. His oversized shirt, the loose, slightly torn dark jeans, the obviously oversized jacket and the tattoo. Chifuyu's eyes lingered on the tiger tattoo for a long time and the blonde couldn't deny that it was really attractive. Only then did he look, hopefully, Hanemiya in the face. The big eyes, the pale skin, the birthmark, the wildly colored hair made a look. A look that Chifuyu really liked. In addition, he had a pretty face and the gentle smile on his lips made the blonde smile too.

"I said something with Fuyu," were the next words, which were still spoken with that gentle smile and afterwards the blonde wished that his counterpart had been quiet afterwards.

"You're really pretty, but you can get prettier. Something about your face bothers me, it seems so… punchable”, the taller one continued and the smile remained on his lips. Even got a little wider, like he'd just made the other a compliment or something.

"Thanks...?" Chifuyu asked, very confused and before he could say anything else, the other walked past him, gave him a wink and grabbed his hand. Still confused, Chifuyu just let himself be dragged along. He would ask later, if ever. Maybe he didn't even wanted to know if the statement had a deeper meaning.

"Hanemiya, right?"

"Kazutora is enough~"

The two sat down at one of the free tables, hung their jackets over the backs of the chairs and ordered something to drink until they agreed on the food. Chifuyu ordered an iced tea, even though he had momentarily hesitated over a hot chocolate. Kazutora, on the other hand, ordered an iced coffee with 8 sugar cubes in it. The blonde smiled at that, hadn't thought of the other as someone who liked to drink sweet things.

While waiting, they didn't speak much, although Chifuyu had several questions.

“Why were you late?” was one of them and an important one for him. He knew he was usually there a little earlier than necessary, but better that than being 40 minutes late.

"Oh," Kazutora began, leaning on the table, resting his head in his palm. With an almost innocent smile he looked into Chifuyu's eyes and he even seemed lulled by the gentle gaze. In fact, he was almost certain that he would soon get a reasonable explanation and he could wave it off with a smile.

"I wanted to see if you were waiting for me. If I am interesting enough for you~”, Kazutora purred and suppressed a smile at the blonde's expression, which wasn't enthusiastic. Really not enthusiastic, after all, Chifuyu had just expected to get a proper explanation. But somewhere, deep inside the blond, he found the statement charming again. Not good but charming.

"Joke. I wanted to sleep for another hour, but then my mom came in and woke me up. So I got up, read your message, whether my train was late, and then I quickly went to the gas station for cigarettes. If I'm late, 10 minutes more won't make a difference now either.” 

Chifuyu's expression didn't get any more enthusiastic. He questioned all his decisions at that moment. He couldn't even be sure if Kazutora was making a bad joke or if he was being completely serious. Both were possibilities, and he didn't like either of them. The just charming impression was gone immediately. Left a trail of "Why am I sitting here?". 

"I was about to leave when you came," he said dryly and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms and letting the other know he was angry with his eyes. At least an apology or a simple sorry would have been expected. Kazutora, on the other hand, just raised an eyebrow, sat back down normally and shrugged. As if it was Chifuyu's loss, if he would have left. The taller of the two didn't seem to care that the blonde was angry, just as he let his eyes wander through the room and now and then had a smile on his lips. In the end, his golden earthen hung on more important things: the waitress's ass. 

Only when Kazutora noticed in the corner of his eye that Chifuyu was about to get up did he turn his attention back to the blonde. He grabbed his wrist, leaning far over the table and looking up at it from below. A loving smile on his face like he hadn't done anything wrong or like Chifuyu was the only thing he would lay his eyes on. For a fraction, Chifuyu also felt like he was the focus of the meeting, but that was really just because of the well-acted look.

"Hey, stay. I'll pay as compensation too, okay? Sit back down, okay? I was so happy to finally get to know you properly Chifuyu” And Chifuyu sat down again. Hated himself for how much he loved the sound of his name coming out of Kazutora's mouth. Hated himself for how the other's soft voice and very likely not 100% true words made him faint for a moment. He kept the wall up for a moment and gave his opponent the cold shoulder before giving up with a sigh and returning the smile he was given. Maybe it would still be good. At least the blonde really hoped so.

They started talking and both couldn't deny that seeing each other made them smile. Chifuyu talked about his wild school days and how often his mother cursed him for it. He laughed again and again, a little embarrassed. Kazutora initially talked about his time in the reformatory without context as to why he was there. At some point, the topic swayed to "How shitty my ex is". A name was never mentioned, however, words such as son of a bitch, wanker or cock sucker were very often used. After some of the stories, Chifuyu didn't know anymore whether he should feel sorry for Kazutora since he really seemed to have problems, or whether he should feel sorry for his ex. He couldn't imagine that Kazutora was a good partner when he listened to the stories and these were told by himself, where you actually present yourself better, especially when it came to make your ex-partner look bad. Maybe the better representation wasn't good. Chifuyu also noticed that the other had an urge to talk a lot. Revealing a lot of private information about himself or others, things that were probably told in confidence and that no third party should actually know. In addition, the blonde had clearly noticed the wandering looks while his own stories. So he couldn't really listen either.

The drinks were brought and it was Kazutora who interrupted their conversation and thanked them, throwing a smile at the waitress. With a clear look at the waitress's breasts, which wasn't short either, but at least with a thank you.

"You like women too?" the blonde asked and took a sip of his iced tea. He had now looked at all the interested looks of the other long enough to be able to answer the question himself, but it didn't cost anything to ask. Maybe Kazutora would also notice that Chifuyu noticed the vulture and stop it. After all, they had met and Chifuyu felt more like an excuse not to sit alone at the diner or to pull the "I'm gay" card .

"I'm into anything, I think. Why do you ask?"

"You look at the waitresses very lasciviously," the smaller one replied honestly and put down his glass. He kept his eyes on the pretty face of his counterpart and observed every movement in it.

"Really? Just thought for a moment if a boob job from her would feel good, but if that bothers you so much, then I'm happy to keep my attention on you," he said, and for a moment it seemed like some kind of apology. Especially with the gentle and almost sad look he gave Chifuyu. Before he spoke any further. 

"Then I can start to think if that's a big pimple on your forehead that you're trying to cover up with your hair or if you have a rash," he added and took a sip of his iced coffee, which Chifuyu was sure of , that there was way too much sugar in it and secretly hoped that Kazutora would get diabetes from it. The blond was confused and taken back by the words again, maybe even really pissed off again. He even caught himself briefly attempting to fix his bangs. Actually, he really appreciated honesty, but Kazutora's honesty didn't have to be. Chifuyu just decided not to say anything. Would be the best and would certainly avoid arguments as well.

A few minutes passed in which Chifuyu tried hard not to twitch his eyebrows too conspicuously as he watched Kazutora look at a group of high school girls four tables away. Maybe looking was the wrong term. He stared, vulture, and Chifuyu wouldn't be surprised if he put his hand in his crotch. 

Their eyes met as the taller one looked back at Chifuyu and took a sip of his drink, then smiled softly and kindly again. After that he put the glass away and stood up, leaning over the table and thus directly into Chifuyu's personal space.

"I'm just on the toilet. Trying to think about you, Fuyu~”, he whispered and then stood up straight. Chifuyu hesitated at the acronym of his name for a moment, then ran the words over in his head and was just speechless. His eyes followed Kazutora and at the other's choice of words, he couldn't help but look further down and, after blinking several times, rolled his eyes. He really didn't know what to say anymore and was ready to just walk away. Without any understanding he looked at the empty space in front of him. Finally, he sat on his cell phone for 20 minutes and informed the waitress that they would not order any food. She had looked at him almost pityingly, as if she had followed the whole thing from the beginning.

There was silence for a few minutes after Kazutora came back. The smaller one thought twice about just saying that the other guy was an asshole. However, every time Chifuyu looked at the other, looked into his eyes or observed his face as a whole, he completely forgot those words. Kazutora kept giving him a gentle smile, looking at him with such interest that Chifuyu really hoped the meeting would get better, even though it wasn't possible anymore. Still, it was the looks of interest that made Chifuyu sit still. Maybe Kazutora was just like that and it wasn't Chifuyu's fault. 

After the blonde had calmed down a bit and seemed more relaxed, Kazutora's nice looks stopped almost automatically. After a while, the taller one kept looking at the glass in his hand and had to smile. It felt very familiar if he was honest and made him grin and get an idea. With a charming smile, he pushed the iced coffee across the table, next to Chifuyu's iced tea, and then let go of the glass.

"Try it, tastes really good," he said, resting his head on his palm again. He watched Chifuyu's every little movement as he reached for the glass, cupped it, and then took a sip. His nose wrinkled at the really too sweet taste, but he smiled. Apparently Kazutora was trying to make an effort after all. At least that's how it seemed to the blonde and the thought made him smile. He said nothing about the taste. You could probably tell from his face that he didn't like it. 

Kazutora's eyes were fixed on the, for him, really nice hand of the blonde. The way it clasped the glass and released it after setting it down. He didn't pay any attention to the other's face for a second while a small lump formed in his throat and his thoughts were elsewhere. At best, Kazutora should keep the little bit of new information he'd just gotten to himself, but the urge to tell Chifuyu what he thought to his face was far greater than keeping a secret. If only he'd known that fact earlier in the restroom, things would have gone faster.

"Your hand would look really good on my cock"

"What?" Chifuyu just asked confused, not quite following and quite taken back by the sudden words. 

"Has the same circumference as the glass," was the reply he received with a dreamy smile. Like it's the best performance Kazutora could have. 

It was enough for Chifuyu. He really had put up with the other's behavior long enough and tried with all his might to remain nice, after all he was really happy to meet Kazutora.

"You really are a son of a bitch," the blond escaped while he sat straight and looked blankly at the other. His tone was serious, perhaps a little harsh. Kazutora looked at him confused, not sure if he understood correctly. He blinked several times, trying to see the other's expression.

"Sorry-" he started, but was immediately interrupted by Chifuyu.

"No. No apologies. You're late because you'd rather sleep. You insult me ​​from the start. Got your eyes on every ass or tit in here. I can see from here you try not to show your boner too obviously. Squeeze your glass in my hand to probably jerk off to the performance later and honestly: your pretty face doesn't take away what a motherfucker you are! I'd already given you a second, maybe even a third chance, but no!” Chifuyu gushed out, fighting back his complete abusiveness. He was really annoyed by Kazutora's behavior and no matter how much he wished this meeting would go well or get better, the fact was that he was fed up. The guy ignored him, paying attention to everything else but him, and then had the gall to ask Chifuyu to stay. Not a single apology or anything. 

Kazutora just looked at him, listened to him and then leaned back in his chair, relaxing his entire posture.

“Wow Chifuyu. Wow. I thought you'd appreciate my honesty and being upfront about what I think. Doesn't seem like it, but what do I expect from someone who's radiant, that they desperately need someone's attention just because their crush doesn't want them," he began, then took a deep breath, leaning across the table and looking the blonde straight in the eyes.The look at the beginning almost empty, before a certain menace was found in it.

"I didn't actually want to demolish your visage, but you're making it really difficult for me not to use your head for destroying glasses… but maybe you'll look better then," he added before standing up, hands on the tabletop to steady himself and lean slightly over Chifuyu. Chifuyu just looked up, taking the threat seriously, but didn't let that intimidate him, he was so done with Kazutora, 

"Then I guess I'd better go before I slam your face to the wall", the blond spat back, standing up as well, leaning forward, very close to the face of the taller one and didn't change an expression. No matter how menacing Kazutora's gaze was. He ignored the hot breath that came against his lips at the close range. He was much more careful not to lash out and break his opponent's nose for all the cheekiness.

"Okay, go back to the bathroom and jerk off, but I really don't need someone like you. I really regret that I wrote to you or that I didn't go straight away when you were late”, were the words with which Chifuyu turned around and thus didn't even notice the very impressed look of the other. 

He left the snack bar, leaving the other man sitting on the bill and taking a deep breath in the fresh air. For a moment, he wanted to smack himself for even briefly contemplating kissing the other when their faces were so close. He really wasn't allowed to differentiate between his looks and his character. While one was truly wonderful, the other was a complete misstep. Chifuyu would never look for anyone online again, in the end Kazutora was just the tip of the iceberg. He preferred to stay single and later became a father to 10 cats or so. 

Anger still boiling inside him, he headed back home. Once there, the feeling of disappointment spread. Chifuyu had clearly placed too much hope in this meeting. He wasn't looking for anything permanent, but maybe a good friend, someone who would keep him company for a few hours. After seeing the bigger one, he wouldn't even have minded meaningless one night stands! But for all that, did the blond wanted to give himself this terrade again, just for a few, maybe, good nights? No. Chifuyu had dignity and a clear idea of ​​how a meeting, a date, should go.

In the evening he checked his phone, really trying to understand if he hadn't been clear enough at noon as he read Kazutora's message over and over. 

“You're a real freak, but it was hot that you were fed up with me. Can I just kiss you next time you want to leave or talk too much to me?"

Next time? Chifuyu was sure that he had made it clear that he didn't want to see the other anymore. why? For the nice smile and the way Kazutora said his name? Everything around it wasn't worth it and the smaller one was certainly better off without him. So his answer was a simple "No and there will be no next time". He was about to put the phone down again when he was already answered. Rolling his eyes, he looked back at the message and shook his head at the sheer stupidity of the question. 

"So next week, same time, same place?"

He didn't bother to elaborate, he was done with Kazutora. He'd probably rather die than see the guy again.

A week later, Chifuyu was intentionally 50 minutes late for the diner and was surprised to see Kazutora waiting for him.

[woodelf68]

Not sure if or when you're going to hear from me again; I have a leg clot and the leg's in really bad shape as far as pain and swelling, and the big problem is, the last time anything a doctor ever prescribed for me worked was probably like 30 years ago. Pain meds and anti inflammatories don't work, blood pressure pills caused difficulty breathing and a racing, pounding heart. I've had s badly swollen right leg for years, and looked into getting compression stockings a long time ago -- but they're all nylon based, and guess what one of my many allergies is? (Absolutely could not wear nylon against the skin, and my leg was already swollen beyond the largest size offered anyway.) So...heading for the hospital days after I should have (for reasons see details under the cut) with the leg having gotten even worse and not having even a tiny hope that the blood thinners and whatever else the doctors are going to try to get the swelling down are going to have the slightest effect.

Woke up around 5 am Tuesday night, excruciating pain in my leg when I tried to move to get out of bed. It went all the way up from my ankle to my groin, my best guess was it had somehow twisted badly and spasmed in my sleep? I'd already been in severe pain for the previous two days after one of the top bones of my spine went out, so my skull was locked in a tilted forward position, couldn't really open my mouth, too nauseous to eat anyway, felt like I was on the verge of constantly throwing up, too dizzy to even just read fic. So I went into the chiropractor; unfortunately I need someone to give me a ride, I chose the closer one who is okay as a maintenance guy if you keep up a regular schedule, but I hadn't been able to get in a couple of months (not through lack of trying! he keeps much shorter hours than he used to and has recently been going out of town a lot), My better, original chiropractor, is a much longer drive away, but he actually puts his hands on you and feels the bones and makes sure your neck will turn in both directions. The one I saw just does a visual check and I should have stressed more exactly in which way my head felt locked, because I left not feeling any better and with no advice on my leg either. And I am 100% sure that the further away chiropractor would have heard my leg pain symptoms and known exactly what was wrong, because he had already noticed my leg swelling and remarked on it in the past and asked what was being done about it. (Trying without success to get blood pressure down was the answer at the time.) And his office is really close to the hospital, so I could have gone in the ER right after I left. Plus HE would have actually used his hands to make sure my neck was turning in all the directions it was supposed to and that would have been fixed.

As it was, I was left to do my own internet research when I got home, and a niggling memory from somewhere led me to look up blood clots, and the symptoms were a perfect match. Unfortunately, with my skull still jammed forward and tilted down, had another day/night of constant nausea, dizziness, diarrhea whenever I tried to force a few nibbles of anything down, plus the intense leg pain. Wasn't sure I'd be able to get out, but was desperate enough to try a bath to see if that would help the leg. And while I was actually in the bath, yeah the pain was so much better if I lay still (although I was also trying to press the swelling upwards like a stocking would have). Was in there a long time, by the time I got out the high barometric pressure was dropping, which allowed some of the congestion pressure in my forehead to ease, which helped the nauseas, and the swelling around the base of my skull to ease just enough that I was able to get my jaw to click a tiny bit wider open, enough that I was able to manage a very small and rather mushy cut up apple and a few slices of thin cut lunchmeat on some soft white bread. First thing I'd had in days, and my stomach immediately startling gurgling madly and kept it up for hours, but it stayed down and I collapsed exhausted into bed in the early morning. It had nearly been 48 hours since I'd slept, and that kind of seemed the most important thing at the moment. Got up around sunset. Leg no better, possibly worse, but was able to eat a soft but normal size meal without a problem. (neck still an issue but bearable atm.) Thurs. night realised I couldn't go to my dr's office, since they no longer open on Fridays at all, so the plan was go straight to the hospital Saturday, but after being up all night Friday, was really sweaty and in horrible pain and hoped a bath would help at least somewhat again, but the leg was in so much worse shape by then it didn't really and having to keep the water so much colder than comfortable because it felt scalding on the swollen leg made me feel even worse. Didn't think I'd ever be able to get out of the tub, because the right leg just wouldn't bend back at all, and I was so exhausted by the time I'd dried off and dressed as much as possible, I had to lay down briefly just to catch my breath. The pain is agonising, can't even touch the skin let alone pull up a sock and nothing will fit on my foot as far as footwear goes. I've probably been up thirty hours by now, having trouble breathing and just finally had a bowl of cereal while I wrote this because I didn't just want to disappear and I don't have any mobile devices if I end up checked into the hospital for weeks or even die. Blood clot reaching the heart or lungs is a big possibility if the blood thinners don't work, getting covid also is since I couldn't get vaccinated due to a screwed up immune system. Can't wear any of the synthetic masks (allergic reactions to them all) and never found a cotton one that fit that I could breath through, and I have spent so much time looking for alternate styles that didn't suck into my mouth with every breath (can't breathe through nose at all, ever). Was hopeful for a tutorial I saw online but getting fabric took time and I was still trying to work out the mask pattern because I stopped being able to see out of my one old contact that was all I had left or my glasses and it's been all I could do just to survive each day atm. So all I've got is a single thin layer mask that I cobbled together that first week of lockdown when anything was better than nothing and we needed groceries, it gets soaked through very quickly and was just good enough for a super quick run into the grocery store once a week and that's it, there have been times I've felt on the verge of passing out while wearing it as it is due to having breathing issues while NOT wearing a mask. I won't be able to leave it on the whole time I'm at the hospital and if I get covid...pretty sure I'm going to die.

I wanted to get out in the afternoon and now it's 11:30 pm and my dad is like 'just wait till tomorrow' and that there will be no doctors at the hospital till morning but I'm pretty sure that would risk losing my leg or my life, it's that bad and he has no idea how it feels. He doesn't want to drive in the dark, which is understandable, and I'm like fine, I don't expect you to, I will call an ambulance, so...I'm just so tired and want to go to sleep. And I can't, and won't be able to for a long time. And my multiple chemical sensitivities kick in every time I've been in a hospital, to the point where I had to walk out after waiting for hours in a room after going there for breathing trouble; literally as soon as I got out of there and into the car with some cool air blowing on my was the first full breath I'd been able to take since I got there. So I'm scared, and I don't know what's going to happen, and I just wanted to post this so I just don't disappear; tumblr and the people I met here have been my only link to the outside world since I became almost entirely housebound about five years ago, and the only reason I keep struggling at life. Wish me luck.

(Please don't reblog this.)

[betterbemeta]

I have been thinking about this from a cross direction, not exactly that people are deciding on moral grounds but that very little 'deciding' is actually happening. A majority of us only have time or resources to access a secondhand lens for most of what's required to be social in many online spaces. And that secondhand lens can become invisible: synonymous with accessing whatever media we're talking about and below evaluation.

Most socialization takes place online and most online social spaces require some kind of shared context media interest. The media that has the highest chance to be shared context is on television, or recently released movies. Media that is all-ages is even more accessible than media that is 'for adults' (even if it doesn't have 'explicit content.' Adventure Time will be seen by more people than Hannibal, or Breaking Bad or whatever, with the exception of some kind of huge craze like BBC Sherlock years ago)

But many people aren't going to watch a whole TV show just to participate or 'not feel alienated' online. For a variety of reasons. Maybe they only see the content online sporadically and don't think to set aside that time. Maybe they work full time and only have a few hours each day for personal activities. Maybe they don't have the money to commit to whatever streaming service to watch it, or they're young and their parents decide what to spend money on. It doesn't matter the specific reasons.

I would say that a majority of people probably 'know' a lot of stuff not by watching original media at all, but by the social communications surrounding that media. Especially if the things are slightly older or were a former memetic superstar and are now out of the spotlight: tons of content was forged and will persist on the internet until a whole platform goes away (see: geocities).

So the amount of people who actually have the primary experience will be much smaller than those who have vicarious experience: gifsets, internet posts, youtube essays or recaps, lets-plays, whatever.

And a vicarious experience isn't inherently 'inferior' btw; like I said I'd believe a majority of people know more information by social exposure than by primary experience. I haven't read any of the drizzt novels but I follow somebody who likes them. I didn't watch any Adventure Time but I know James Baxter did that horsey. I saw gifsets of Steven Universe before I watched the whole series and I did so piecemeal, sliced up clips of each episode online because I don't really watch TV and wasn't willing to pay money to.

By contrast, I decided I wanted to reconnect with star trek because I watched it as a kid with my parents and because I am an adult, I could choose to stop just vicariously memeing about stuff I hadn't seen since I was 10 and I DID buy a dumb paramount+ subscription. And the full experience is definitely different from the social experience.

This topic can almost sound like the old classic, "oh you're not a REAL fan, you never actually watched/played/etc.!" but that's the opposite of the world I want-- I don't need to play Warhammer 40k (expensive, time-consuming) in order to joke around about it, I started writing FF7:Remake fanfiction long before I had a computer capable of playing it, and I only recently got a SSD to allow me to load 'modern' games quickly. Before then, I watched longform lets-plays, took notes, and also had to weigh that commitment against the free time I had each day.

But with that said, maybe there still should be more discussions of what we have primary experience of, vs. what we 'are exposed to.' Not just about our entertainment TV shows but in general. Lots of topics are applicable: Politics, Social Justice, Education, The News... If we need shared contexts to be social but we get so much of that context secondhand it can be easy to be bandwagoned or to accept someone else's lens as our own as the price for entry.

the fact that so many of adventure time’s “best quotes” are actually taken out of context and either mocked or contradicted by the episode it’s a part of shows how people tend to just make up their mind about shows not based on the whole of the work, but on bits and pieces that fit neatly into a “good vs cringe” dichotomy through the secondhand medium of tumblr gifsets and twitter videos. social media values easy, quotable moments over examining anything seriously. in this essay i will -

[hotchnerxo]

Our Past Life: Chapter 2

Masterlist

Pairing: Aaron hotchner x gn!reader

Summary: You come to meet your old friend, Hotchner at his office. You went to lawschool together, but ended up on very different life paths. You ended up being a internet entertainer, Hotch a leader of BAU. Are these differences too much, is it too late for them to make it?

Words: 3.4k

A/N: This is a fluffy fluff chapter. So soft and cute! Im also so excited for this story. I have a lot of draft pages, so be on the lookout for more. Feedback is always more than welcome. This chapter is pretty long. Reader gender neutral, they/them pronouns (let me know if I have missed a spot) Also, message me of tag me if you wish to be on my mention list whenever the new chapter's up.

Content: Mentions of anxiety, abuse and self-harm. Sad boy Hotch. This chapter is fluffy and cute tho.

The day was coming to an end. After a few hours of paper work and meetings, that seemed to go on forever, Aaron leaned back on his chair. He had a tough decision to make; whether he's going to stay at work for a couple more hours, going thru some of Cruz's files that he had asked him to stay on top of, or respond to you, who had texted him about an hour ago. He wasn't sure what to think of this whole situation, so he decided to focus on work a bit longer and get back to it later. But he really should do that now.

It all happened so fast. It's been a couple of years since you’ve last seen properly. Sure, you’ve kept in touch here and there but you have both been busy. Or just trying to keep yourselves busy. You live on the other sides of the country, you in San Fransisco and he in Quantico. Over 2500 miles between you. Why are you here now? Would going out just bring unnecessary hurt? But you are a good friend he gets to see so rarely, it would be rude not to go.

But the words 'I miss you' came out of your mouth earlier today and that sealed the deal. There was no way Aaron would miss this chance to talk with you face to face. And the fact that you’re all the way here from California. There's no way he could stop himself from going, he never could resist you. And clearly, he still can't.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. It was his coworker, Grant Anderson, quite normal looking guy, good at his job. He prefers office work over field work, he is also helping Cruz out as he is gone. "Agent Hotchner" he started " I was thinking if it would be possible to go home a bit early today. I've done most of the paper work and the meetings are okay and the reports are filled. And my own cases are handled and" it was clear he was avoiding eye contact.

Hotch lifted his hand as a stop sign for him "You've done good job. Get out of here. Matt will be back soon, I handled rest of the stuff that needs immediate attention, but you can go back to your normal routine. Don't want him to be bored when he gets back, right?" he asks and Anderson chuckles a bit. "Thank you for your help, I appreciate it. Go home."

"Thank you, sir." Anderson nods and turns to leave the office.

On that note, Hotch decided to take a breather too, and text you:

Hey, sorry it took me awhile to respond. Would love to see you tonight.

He puts his phone down at his desk and starts to close things up, getting ready to go home for the day. It's been awhile since the last time he's going home at this hour. It's barely 5pm. But his team was getting ready to leave, so he might aswell. It's not like he could focus anymore, even if he stayed.

Good to hear from you. Are you off from work already? See you in two hours? Sam's bar seemed nice, meet you there at 7?

Nearly two hours later, the clock was getting close to 7. Hotch walked in through the Sam's bar door and took a good look around the open area, trying to see if you had gotten in before him. But there was no sign of that yet, so he walked to the bar, ordered a beer and headed to a booth a few tables away. There you two could talk in private. He sat on the leathered seating of the booth, facing the bar door. He wasn't sure why he'd have to sit on the side, but he thinks it has something to do about his training and always being on alert and aware of his surroundings. It's annoying that even in his free time he can't help but act this way, but the training is so deep in his brain that it is impossible to forget it.

Aaron took a sip of his beer and took a better look around the bar. It was quiet. Only a few other people there at the time, it is Wednesday after all. A young couple sat near the bar, deep in conversation. Maybe in their mid-twenties. Quite normal, nothing extraordinary about them, really. There was an older man, maybe in his late forties, heavily tattooed, quite rough looking. He was drinking alone at the counter, chatting with the bartender. On the far corner, there was a man in a suit, light hair, mid-thirties. It was clear that once he took a glance at him, the suited man was looking back at him.

But Aaron didn't have any more time to think about it as he saw the person he was waiting for walking through the doors, taking his breath away. He just realized how fast his own heart was beating. Was he nervous? You were getting a drink from the bar and headed towards Hotch at the booth he chose.

Aaron stood up. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. He wasn't sure why he was this nervous all of the sudden. Why do you have such a hold on him, always making him, a grown man, feel so giddy. Like a teenager in front of their crush. It was weird. But he couldn't think more of it as you leaned in for a hug and Aaron was sure he was gonna melt. Reluctant to let go, you parted from the hug and sat down opposite sides of the booth, not looking away for a moment from each other, as if both were scared to lose the other any moment.

"I'm glad you came" you finally stated after a long silence.

"No way in hell I would have missed this chance" Aaron smiled. He didn't want to let you know of hesitating for so long earlier. He took a sip of his beer. "What brings you here?"

You lean forward on the table "Aaron" you start with a sad but kind smile. It was clear to him you were trying to find the right words. "I want you"

"What? What do you mean?" Hotch was briefly taken aback how straight forward that was. But his heart rate was calming down and you continue:

"I want you back. It's been killing me since the day I let you go, I never should have done that. I want you back. I have been trying to keep myself busy from the years of hurt. I've tried going forward, dating someone else, focusing on work, all that crap. But it all feels like nothing unless I have you. The texts here and there are pure pain because I miss you. I've missed you for so goddamn long. And I can’t take it anymore. I know you're not with anyone" you started to ramble, and the words just flooded out, barely breathing between words.

"How do you know that?" Aaron was blown away by all this information coming his way.

You could feel yourself blushing. "Am I wrong?" Aaron shook his head as an answer. "I know I should have said this a long time ago. But I don't know what kept me from saying it to you. I had to come see you, and once I saw you today in your office, It all made sense to me and by the way, you look incredible in that suit you wore today, not that you look bad ever" you kept talking, hardly even remembered to breathe in the middle of your sentences.

"(Y/N)" Aaron took his hand to yours that was on the table "Calm down, we have all night."

You take a long breath and went on "I just miss you and I want to be with you. I hope I'm not too late." you shoot your eyes down, part embarrassed, part exhausted from that outburst. But Aaron didn't let go of your hand at any point.

"You think I have been able to think straight for weeks since talking to you? Because I haven't. And seeing you in the office today out of the blue, I swear my heart is going faster than a race car. And it still is. But I don't know how we are going to make this work. You live on the East Coast, I in here. It's not like we can drive to each other's place every other night." Once he started talking, he couldn't stop himself. Because my god, he's missed you. "All I do know right now, is that I've missed you, and I’m glad to see you’re here." Aaron said and took a sip of his almost empty glass. You did the same, your face flustered.

"But what are we going to do then?" you then asked, looking down to your drink, thinking you might be too late. Maybe your outburst would scare him away, despite his words.

"Catch up. It's not like we're in a hurry. I just want to take this moment in. I mean, when was the last time we really talked? Especially face to face?" you were unable to answer that. You didn’t remember. It’s been months, at least since you’ve texted back and forth. You’ve seen him in news here and there, you’ve sent him photos of your accomplishments and sometimes just jokes to brighten his day a little. "Exactly. It's been awhile." Aaron's smile was so warm, it was unusual. "Tell me everything. How's Top Priority doing? And Charlie?"

you let up a little laugh. "Well, it is doing great. I love my job, not exactly what I was going for when studying law. But oh well. Life is weird '' you rambled all about your career, your filming rithual and your fan base and all. Hotchner was listening and his heart felt so full it was weird. You were so in the zone when talking and passionate. And seeing your friend smiling and being truly interested in what you had to say, you just kept going. Telling all about Charlie, their family, their crew. All about the book you’re writing, the talk show you and charlie are hosting online, trying your best not to spoil anything in case he was interested to check them out.

"That sounds like fun" Aaron said, truly captivated by your story. He's seen a few episodes of Top Priority and it's a fun show for sure. Sometimes, you two would think back to their childhood and old memories on the show. It reminds him of the good old days when they were young, laying in the grass and talking about anything and everything. Until all that changed as Aaron had to move away to Seattle and You left everything behind to go for your dreams aswell.

"Anyways, my life is an open book, actually quite literally and a public one even. How's life been treating you? I've seen a few articles about you in the newspapers about catching some pretty dangerous people. Also the news and all. It's pretty impressive"

How is his life really going? He’s overwhelmed, his anxiety is back, and on top of everything, he’s questioning his worth. "Life's been a rollercoaster" he said trying to seem relaxed.

"I bet it has. Your team seems awesome. And nosy" you laughed. As did Aaron. Ahh, the sound of his laugh, it brought back the butterflies in your stomach. You had barely gotten rid of them before you walked in the bar. He looks so handsome in his suit, it’s a different one you saw him in at his office today. It hugged his figure at the right spots. You just now realize how lean he looks and how wide his shoulders are. A part of you thinks back to few hours ago as you touched his arm and you could feel how strong he must be. He’d definitely have the strength to push you against a wall if he wanted to, and you wished he’d do that right now. You shake your head a tiny bit to get that image out of your head and focus on the man’s words.

"We all work so much, we're basically a tight family. They're just looking out for me. And they're curious. Penelope's a fan of yours too, which I found out today"

You go through the encounter you had earlier today with this woman. " She sure seems like a character." you mention.

"She sure is. She's the sweetest. And a bit weird at the same time. But probably one of the sweetest people on this planet." Aaron went on to tell all about his team, of which he is very proud of. They're truly like a family, they joke around, they look after each other, they are shoulder to cry on and everything in the middle. He told all about Derek and his kick-down-the-door ways. All about Spencer, the all knowing kid. All about Dave, his 'old friend' as he likes to call him teasingly. All about Prentiss, her stubbornness and sassiness. All about JJ, especially JJ, as she is basically his right hand, they do a lot of stuff together. They're like Batman and Robin, as people like to call them. And it was your turn to be fascinated. You live in such different worlds. You work in entertainment industry, making people laugh for a living and Hotch fights crime, putting himself in the harm's way in order to save others.

"Do you like your job?" you then asked and finished your drink.

Aaron had to think for a moment. "I do. I mean, it sucks sometimes, but it's very rewarding in the end. And I would die for my team, so it's not like I could leave them. So, all in all, Yes. I do. Although it is complicated" he shared. He noticed the way you were looking at him quite intense and he felt himself blushing. He wasn't sure why you were looking at him with such a look in your eyes, but it sure turned something inside of him, something exciting. He looked back at you, trying to copy the look. "What" he asked for an explanation for the look.

"Nothing" you stated, but with a spark in the corner of your eye.

During your conversation, a few more people had gotten inside the bar, apparently some of them to escape the rain that was now pouring outside. Some of them had umbrellas with them that were soaking, and others weren't so lucky to be carrying one with them, so instead, they dribbled down on the bar floor themselves. The young couple had left, but other than that, the same people were still in, in addition to a few new ones. Two middle aged men sitting at the counter deep in conversation, one of which's wife looked rather bored next to them, enjoying a glass of white wine as if it was the only reason she'd came there. Highly possible.

Time flew surprisingly fast, soon you both realized to take a look at your phones for once: it's almost 10 o'clock. Hotch had a couple of messages from Reid, who'd sent some article and a message following "interesting!". JJ had also messaged him a couple of times:

"Did you go? I hope you did. You deserve a break. They made you smile. A keeper, I tell you. " 7:23 PM

"Aaron?" 7:47PM

"I think from the lack of response, you did go. Good. Or you fell asleep. Also good. Or you're in a ditch somewhere. Not so good, so I'm hoping for the options 1 or 2. Definitely needing some details tomorrow. If I don't see you tomorrow, I'm going to come and look for you in the ditch. Have a good night!" 8:15PM

Aaron took a quick glanze at the messages, but couldn't take his focus out of the the person in front of him for a long time. He was so caught in the moment right now to care about messages on his phone. But seeing the time caught him off guard. "Whoa, it's getting pretty late".

"What? Really? Time flies when you're having fun, or so I've heard." your eyes were dark and deep and Aaron felt like you were eating him with your eyes and surprisingly, he was very okay with that. "Should we get going? You probably have an early morning tomorrow."

Unfortunately, you were right. He did have an early morning coming, filled with meetings and presentations. But he didn't want this moment to end. He had finally gotten to see you again, who knows when he's gonna see you again. Speaking of which "How long are you in town?"

"About a week, we're doing some business arrangements in here." you stated without clarifying more.

That was good enough for him. "Okay. But yeah, let's get going. I live quite close by so I might make it home rather dry. Where are you staying?" He asked while pulling on his jacket. It's rather cold outside, so he was happy he had brought a jacket with him. He helped your jacket on, like a gentleman he’s always been. Something’s never change, you think and accept his help.

As you were making your way out of the pub, you told him about the hotel you and Charlie were staying in. Charlie had stayed back in the hotel with their coworker Anna as you were out here. You were also telling how Charlie and Anna had practically pushed you out of the door to go and meet up with Aaron. Altho Hotch was trying his best to pay attention to your words, he kept getting distracted: your lips look so good, you smell so familiar, your smile is as perfect as it has always been and seeing small lines forming around your eyes were telling a story about you smiling a lot. But he was also very overwhelmed at the same time, he could feel his anxiety pounding in his chest again, and the hair in his neck getting up for some reason. He felt like he was being followed, but as getting a glimpse behind them, there was nobody there. He wasn't sure if he was more anxious or just nervous to be around the person that he has loved since law school. Maybe both? But it was frustrating, because he just wanted to be happy and in the moment. But a part of him was stopping himself from being happy and enjoying the moment. "Are you going to take a cab there or?" Aaron questioned but you insisted on walking him home.

"If that's okay, of course?" it was your turn to ask. Without a doubt, Aaron agreed, and you ended up walking to his place, which was just a couple of minutes away anyways. There was tension between you, both of you wanting to make a move towards the other, your hands bumping into each other and you walk, at times neither of you saying anything, just taking a glimpse of each other when the other isn't looking. It felt comfortable, in a way he hasn't felt in so long. He was kind of cursing how close to the bar he lived, because the walk was about to come to an end. His apartment was now at sight and Aaron couldn't help but sigh a little.

"You still live in here?" you asked nodding towards the apartment building. The other nodded as an agreement.

"Haven't really spent a lot of time there, mostly been at work unfortunately" Aaron said and rubbed the back of his head in slight embarrassment for some reason. He loved his job, but he does know he doesn't really have anything else in his life than work, and that's kind of pathetic of him.

You chuckled "That's alright. I like your apartment" you say. You’ve been there a couple of times when you and Charlie have been visiting throughout the years apart.

"Do you want to come inside?" A little bit of hope sparked in his eyes. He wasn't sure why his heart was beating faster than usual. Something about you just makes his mind blurr. And without hesitation you agreed. There was so much electricity between the two of you as you climbed your way to the third floor. It's like your hand were drawn together like two magnets, but both of you trying your best not to give in to it. But your hands kept brushing in to each other, sending shivers down the other's spine whenever the lightest touch happened. No words were said, both of them kind of stuck in their own head, trying to keep their cool. As if two teens were sneaking into the other's room past their curfew. But the difference is, they're both at their late 30's, not anymore two teenagers. It felt like ages before Aaron turned the key in the lock and the door opened.

The apartment doesn't feel like a home. A place that's been treated well and that was welcoming. It didn't feel like that for neither of you. To Aaron it's just a place he goes to sleep whenever he's not at work. And that's all he wants to do, whenever he's at home. He's constantly tired. There's not much decoration, not really anything to make it look more cozy. There's just the essentials. A tv on the table, dark couch and a book case that had a lot of books in it. It made you smile a little, remembering what a bookworm Aaron used to be as a teen.

Hotch could almost read your thoughts "I know this apartment isn't exactly cozy, but it works. I haven't had much energy to decorate the place" Aaron took a little look around the place while placing his own jacket to the hanger. You put your own to the back of the couch, and sat on the dark seating. It was very comfortable and it felt new.

"It's okay. It's not like I haven't been here before." you smiled at the man taking a seat right next to you. You couldn't take your eyes off of him. He looked so... strong. His arms looked so toned. And his shirt was tight around him and you could finally see him totally in front of you. Without the jacket on him, without a table between them. You could feel his breath, see his eyes so bright; yet there was something in his eyes that you didn't recognize. But at the same time, there was a certain sparkle in them that you had really missed. And that look always grows a certain kind of hunger inside of you. When did you start holding your breath? All you wanted to do was put your hand on his, over his body, see what the years apart have done to the boy you once was in love with. If his body looks so amazing when clothed, you’re a little afraid of how overwhelmed you’d be if you saw him without that shirt right now. *(Y/N), pull it together. Just be in the moment* You tried to breathe normally and focus on the man infront of you instead of the image of his body pressed against yours. But your brain lost the fight, and you leaned in to kiss the man in front of you and you weren’t sure if you were surprised or not to get as eager response to the kiss. Your mind went blank. He opened his lips just a tiny bit to deepen the kiss and at the same time you felt Aaron's palm at the back of your neck.

The kiss felt like it was going forever but at the same time, not long enough. Neither of you wanted to part. The kiss was a mixture of hunger and longing. It was so full of mixed feelings. Yet, it felt like it was just yesterday that you'd kissed the last time.

The last time...

When you had decided that you were in the right place, but the wrong time. And it broke you both. To decide your dreams were so different. That your universes were pushing you apart and you were just holding on to each other as if your lives depended on it. The kiss in the parking lot after you had packed your stuff to a van and were to drive on the other side of the country to pursue your dreams. Charlie was waiting in the van, you were leaning your back on the side of the van, holding your arms around Aaron, reluctant to let go. Your eyes were red but with a sparkle of hope of future. A tear drop was falling down your cheek. Aaron tried to smile for you and your future. Tell you what a great opportunity this is for you and your business partner. How excited he was for you. Of course he was, but a part of him wanted you to stay and it was tearing him apart inside. Both of you.

"Until next life" you whispered as you parted from the kiss, taking a step back towards the open van door, holding the man's hand on yours until he couldn't reach them anymore. Apologetic look in your eyes you turn away and step up in the van. The three words kept playing in Aaron's head as he tries to keep smiling and waving good bye, watching you heading for your dreams.

Until next life.

You both remember this day as if it happened yesterday. This feeling made Aaron part from the kiss, even when his head was screaming at him to not do it. He rested his forehead against yours, his eyes still closed. He was trying to find words, but his brain was totally blank around you. No other person has ever made him feel this way before. Only you. Taking in his smell made your heart hurt. "(Y/N)" he sort of gasped. "I don't know if this is smart". A voice in Hotchner's head was shouting at himself to stop ruining it, to take you in, take it further. Make up for the time lost. That he needed more. He needed closer. But a small, vulnerable side of him was stopping him. He didn't want to get hurt again. Was it too late? Maybe. But he had to try. "I don't think this is a good idea" Aaron sighed and leaned his forehead against yours.

You were disappointed that the kiss was now interrupted, but he was right. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe you’d come too late, tried to change things too late. Trying to make plans that were just not possible anymore. Partly, you were beating yourself up for not talking to him first about the plan you and Charlie’d been having. But you thought the man would be happy, too. "You may be right. But I want to tell you something before we make a decision" you pulled away, now looking into his whiskey colored eyes, that stared back at you with a confused look in them. There was something else in his eyes that you didn't quite recognize. Something, weighting the man down. But you weren’t sure what that was, so you didn't bring it up.

"Tell me what?" Hotchner now asked as he was getting more curious and impatient to hear what you had to say.

"For awhile now" you started, partly hesitating but also trying to calm your nerves as you were excited. "Me, Charlie and the Priority crew have been thinking about moving to New York" you noticed your gaze lowering down, as if the man in front of you was making you blush with the gaze he had in his eyes. "I know New York is still rather far, but the train ride isn't more than like an hour and that's the reason we're staying in here for awhile to go look at places we might be go for and"

"Why?" Aaron interrupted with a question.

"I know Charlie and his family want to be closer to their parents and Adam, Charlie’s son is going to a high school in there soon and well, I wanted to be closer to you." you raised your gaze again to meet the brown eyes in front of him that looked at him now softly and a small smile appeared on his lips. "I want to be closer to you" you repeated, not sure if admitting that was more for you or him. "I know I should have asked you first, and it's not like I'm going to pressure you to change anything for me, or into a relationship. I just want to have you back in my life, even if it's just as friends but"

You once again got interrupted, but this time not with words but Aaron's hand on your jawline and soon meeting his lips again for a kiss. This time felt different. The air wasn't filled with sadness and missing, this time it was lighter and the kiss felt even better. Oh my, it felt good the way he had his lips against your. A small murmur escaped your lips, and he could feel the other one smiling. You've both missed this more than you thought.

"Yes please" Aaron said, once you both needed to pull back to get some air for a moment. "I mean, I'd love that. But our lives are so different. Do you think you can handle my work schedule? Aka the lack thereof?" Hotchner now said, trying to land his feet back to earth and think things thru.

"I've lived without you for over 10 years now on my side, I think I can live without having you with me everyday. And, we can take it slow. It's been awhile. There's no need to rush. And the move wouldn't happen very quickly anyway, we don't even yet have a studio here or anything. All I know is that I want to give us another try."

[polyamorouscultureis]

I NEED HELP ASAP- So please reply quickly if you can.

My problem is that I started dating 2 people a while ago, and then we started dating 2 more people, but when we did everything changed. We stopped being so close to each other, we used to talk together everyday and call at least once a week but now it feels so lonely and everyone feels so distant.. I stopped talking at all with one of my first partners even, we don't even say "hi" to each other now. And the groupchat we have all together is so quiet.

But if we would talk all together, I would feel so overwhelmed. (I'm autistic and it's just very easy to make me overwhelmed). Our whole 5 once had a call all together and I felt so overwhelmed, it wasn't fun at all. And it made me so worried about the future, because we plan to live all together with each other and if I can't stand a few hours long call- Then how am I supposed to stand living with them?

The thing is though.. I love all of them, I love them so much and I care about them so much. I don't want to leave them, but I'm so unhappy in this relationship. It's either lonely or overwhelming.

I don't want to break up, but I don't think stuff like "two first partners will be my priority with consent of others" will work. We're very much about equality in relationship, even with stuff that involves consent.

So I don't know what to do.. I know I should talk with my partners, but I don't even know what I could say. I don't know what I could do. I spoke to two of my partners already, one I date for the longest time and the one I started dating recently. The first one said they feel the same and that they don't know what to do either, while the other one just became distant and feels like I made them miserable.

Also just a note, we're minors and our relationship is an internet one. I have sexual trauma, but I've been sexual with them and this is another thing that keeps me away from breaking up, besides things like our plans for future and the fact I just simply love those people.

Hello friend,

That sounds like a really tough situation, and I'm sorry you're struggling with this! I would agree with what you said, that you should talk with your partners about how you're feeling. I know it's hard to come up with the right things to say, and even harder to find the courage to actually say them when the time is right, but I think that's what you have to do.

The good news is that it sounds like your one partner is in agreement with you about how they'd like things to change, so you can work together to talk to the rest of the polycule about the dynamic. I would even start with what you've already typed out here - that you love them and don't want to break up or switch to a hierarchy, and that you're worried about the future and aren't sure what to do about it. Their advice will be better than mine since they know firsthand what your relationship is like!

The important thing here is that all five of you are happy with how things are going. Set boundaries and stick to them - maybe to avoid being overwhelmed in group settings, you can agree to call people one or two at a time, but you'll only interact with all four of them at once over text. Or to avoid feeling lonely, you can make up a signal that you're feeling alone and text it to the group when you need someone's support, or see if you can go back to calling once a week. Things like that!

Also, it's okay to take the pressure off of maintaining a romantic relationship with these two new people and instead be good friends. I myself have never been able to have more than two partners at a time because everyone's needs are different and making compromises gets harder the more people that are involved! I'm not saying you would or should break up with any of them, but maybe being open to things shifting over time would ease some of your stress. Keep in mind, you don't have to date everyone your partners are dating if you don't want to!

I hope this helps anon, and best of luck to all of you. Check in with updates if you like! <3

[calvin-af-crone]

My Long Goodbye to Calvin Fandom

I devoted years of my life to Calvin Harris because I loved his music then I loved the man I thought he was. And I was entitled to that delusion because I paid in hours of research & study to write my History of Calvin Harris & watched every video & interview related to him on YouTube. I became convinced he was a flawed genius who might be slightly on the spectrum but his insecurities made him a humble nice guy. I felt that was a reasonable appraisal because I never idolized him. He's done some incredibly stupid stuff over the years & I called him out when they happened. But no one accused me of being a hater...

My reality got shattered by The Split™. There is no excuse for what he did to Aarika. NONE. We've talked that to death. I'm firm in my opinion & that's that. I had just barely recovered when I got the second shock—Vick! Then came the shock of her tabloid stories claiming they'd been dating for 5 months! Excuse me if I do not approve. I'm an Old w/ clearly defined ethical boundaries. Nice guys don't overlap relationships. That's cheating.

Since then I've been holding on in case I felt the need to say anything about FWBv2. I am so relieved that I like it. Even filtered thru my negative opinions of him as a person, I can still appreciate his musical genius. I'm very happy about that.

But that was not the end of being shocked. This happened on 1 June:

I thought Vick having nudes on the internet was a joke until I entered her name & the word "nudes" into Google Search. Oh wow! How dare I give away such deeply hidden search secrets? No one made a fuss when I joked about Calvin's dick pix on Twitter. Public information is public. There's no "weird conspiracy theories involved". Facts are facts.

Also, he's full of bullshit. Here's a screen shot of his Archive from this morning. Opting out of an Archive is the only way to "exclude" Google Search & he obviously still has one.

Then Supa did this:

Honestly. He's the one who was harassing me for posting stuff about Aarika. I switched that content to my side blog to avoid annoying him. Then he starts using trolls to trash talk about me & pulls this shit like he's a victim.

Wait!

You're wondering how I can see his Archive & can take screen shots of his content after he blocked me. First, Tumblr is dependent on Google Search to compile their Archive function. That's the down side of setting your blog to "private". Blocking only keeps me from directly visiting his blog or communicating w/ him. Second, years ago I made a bookmark to quickly access his Archive for reference. I was only slightly surprised that it still worked.

So yeah, all this time Anons were running back & forth telling tales, I could see them! And I saw how Supa responded by continuing to refer to me as crazy hater. That was his new theme & being allowed to drag me boosted his Anon content.

Then this happened on the morning of 7 July:

This Anon is outright trolling. I never "pretty much revealed" where they were because I never knew. All I ever said was Northern Italy, which doesn't exactly narrow down their location to a resort.

But here's the part that bothers me. Supa believed the troll! If I had gotten a similar message about him, I never would have believed it! Why should he think I would suddenly change the rules we all agreed upon years ago? Ah but, he was building up his theme & this Anon message served that purpose.

Then that evening this showed up...

Followed by realizing...

Calvin blocked me on IG!

Oddly, I wasn't shocked after a gang of people spent a month making me out to be a crazy hater. But why only IG? If he meant to exclude me, why wasn't I blocked on Twitter? But the strangest thing is: losing that access didn't interfere one bit w/ my blog's content. It was pretty remarkable to realize...

Calvin's IG was not a necessary source for my blog!

If Calvin did post something worth seeing, it got shared by half the people in his inner circle. Or I found it on TikTok AND Facebook! Most of my info comes from Google News Alerts.

You, too, can know as much as I did. The parameter that works is "Calvin Harris DJ". Otherwise, you get baseball players & criminals. I'm deleting my Alerts. If Calvin wants my attention, he'll have to do something that goes viral on Twitter or pops up under the Entertainment section of Google News.

I'm done w/ him & I'm done w/ this blog.

If you're interested in my personal journey, you know where to find me. If you absolutely need to talk to me do so via chat. Except for a small group of virtual friends, this chapter in my life is closed.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Love On-Set (Pt. 10 of 10)

Pairing: Dacre Montgomery X Reader

Word count: 1.2 K

Summary: You knew acting on Stranger Things season 3 would be a challenge, and you also knew, from the start, you'd have to work closely with Dacre Montgomery. But is wasn't a big deal for you, since this is your job and you're determined to act professionally. You had it all figured out, or so you thought, until the moment you were out face to face with Dacre. Then, this job became a lot harder than it was supposed to be, since you can't seem to focus whenever you're around Dacre. And you'll have to be around him a lot until the end of production.

<- Previous part (09)

{Dacre Montgomery Masterlist}

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

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What Comes Next...

The last three months have been hectic, in between shooting the last scenes of season three, the premiere, and the interviews that always follow. The Internet is going insane because not only Billy, one of the villains from season 2 changed and got a love interest, but you and Dacre, outside of the cameras, are together. The fans absolutely love it. But after the events and all the talk shows and YouTube channels wanting you both for a meeting, you had to call it out eventually and head back home.

It's not that you don't like it, the attention and the fans all rooting for your relationship, but you also like the private life, the one you get to share with Dacre alone, as well as your friends and families. But not everything is broadcasted. This moment is an example of that.

Seated on the sand, you watch the sun rising, casting its light on LA, lighting up the blue sky, mixed with the ocean ahead of you. Both your cellphones were left at your place, and the beach is empty. This moment belongs to you alone. Well, to you and the paparazzi that took a few pictures of you some minutes ago, but he's gone now.

“What are your plans after season four?” Dacre asks, his deep, strong voice being carried by the fresh morning wind.

Billy and Amy survived, unlike Hopper and Heather. It was a pleasant surprise you only found the day before shooting the last scenes of the Battle of Starcourt. And of course, you're already down for the next season, and everything you know so far is that Billy and Amy left with the Byers, and are now in an established relationship. The rest will only come when you get the script, which will take several months. “Uhm... Season five if the characters make it that far.”

“Uhm... And after that?”

Giving Dacre a glance, you wonder where he's going with this. Season four is only due to next year, and the production won't start in at least five or six months. “I don't know. Some studios are calling me but I'm not interested in the roles they have. What about you?”

“I'm thinking of holding to Stranger Things only.” He shrugs his shoulders, leaning closer to place a quick kiss on your lips. “Then I want to make a pause. Settle down, focus on my personal life.”

“Sounds good.” Raising an eyebrow, you can't help but ask. “And am I on this personal life thing?”

“Only if you want to.”

Blushing, you bite your lip. “Only if I want to.” You repeat, the wind suddenly stronger, messing with your hair. “I think I do, Mr. Montgomery.”

“There's something else I've been meaning to ask you.” His voice gets serious, and he pulls away so he can stare into your eyes.

“What is it?”

“I was thinking about going to Australia.” Dacre starts, holding your hand in his. “My family still lives there and I want to formally introduce you to them, not only through video calls. And there's a lot of places I'd love to show you.”

Oh... That's something. “I'd absolutely love to go, Dacre. Just tell me when and for how long.”

“That's the thing...”

“What's the thing?”

“I was thinking about staying there... Until the shooting for the next season starts.” There's insecurity in his voice and you know why. Dacre was only renting this house in LA because of the show, but his home is in Australia. “But honestly, going back there, and staying literally half a world apart from you is too much.”

“Yeah, I'd hate it too...” Holding your hair so it'll stay away from your face, you look at the ocean. “But this is... Something. I mean, I could rent a place near yours and–”

“We literally shared the hotel room, and now I either spend the days here or you stay at my place, so I guess that would go on for a few weeks until you decide to just stay with me.” Dacre has this cocky tone and a smirk, so you playfully punch his arm.

“Oh, don't tease me!” A small fight, filled with giggles start, as you try to slap him. But Dacre easily holds your arms, and suddenly, he pushes you down until you're lying down on the sand with him hovering above you. “I'll go with you.” You burst out because the possibility of not going didn't even cross your mind. “But only if you give me that amazing massage in the back after the flight because I know it takes like 48 hours to get there.”

“If we're lucky we can find a 24 hours flight.” When the wind pushes some hair over your face, Dacre moves it away before leaning down to kiss you, slow and passionate. “But yes, I'll give you all the massages you want when we get there.”

“You should really be more careful with the things you promise, sweetheart.” You tease, pushing him off of you. “So. When do we leave?”

“What about next week? Enough time to buy the tickets, pack everything, and to enjoy LA a little longer.”

“Speaking about enjoying LA...” Smiling, you stand up, taking off your shoes. “I'll go for a swim.”

“Babe... You can't swim.” Dacre keeps the half-smile as you walk backwards, eyes on him as you move closer to the water.

“Yes. I really wish I had a strong boyfriend to help me out but apparently–” You stop talking when he stands up, walking fast until he reaches you, and in a swift motion, he lifts you up, parting your legs so they'll be around his waist.

“You were saying..?”

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you giggle when the waves start hitting your back, soaking your clothes. “I was saying I do have a strong boyfriend.”

“Interesting how you change your mind so quickly.” You feel when his feet stop reaching the bottom, and the two of you just stand there, floating, and despite knowing you could die here, you feel safe with Dacre.

“It's gonna be amazing, you know... Australia. The two of us.” You mumble, a hand caressing his cheek. “I am quite scared of the wild animals they have there, but I know you'll protect me.”

“I sure will. I did save you from a freaking Mind Flayer, didn't I?”

Giggling, you nod. “That you did.”

With the calming waves surrounding you, you kiss him, deep and sweet. It tastes salty from the water, but soon enough the taste of his lips overcome everything. And it also tastes like promises, spoken and unspoken. And you know that wherever you are, here or on the other side of the world, you will be fine, and happy, and safe. With Dacre, you don't have to be afraid of what you feel anymore, you can just let it out. You can trust him with your whole heart.

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@baker151910 @shinydixon @dreamin-of-dacre @hanoi15 @lickmymelaninn @foccus @multific @uncookspaget @kellysimagines @peakascum @thisbreakableheaven @nope-thanks